Dream Of Better Days

I'm so excited for next summer!

When I graduated, I had no real intention of ever going to grad school. After undergrad, I was pretty done with school, and ready to enter the real world. Unfortunately, the real world took no interest in me.

I studied political science and Russian language for my bachelor's degree. My emphasis has been on international relations (American politics just make me mad). So for the most part, the jobs I would get would be in Washington. The other Washington. Unfortunately, living on the west coast makes it harder to find those jobs.

I applied to the Bush School at Texas A&M and also here at Virginia Tech, both for their masters programs in public and international affairs. TAMU was my first choice, by a long shot--their program is geared more towards producing professionals who will pursue careers in public service, with much of their faculty coming from the military and public sector; professionals, not academics. Unfortunately, I got waitlisted there, but I did get into Tech. Either way, I stood to gain two important things: a recognizable name on my next piece of paper (no one's ever heard of WWU), and access to Washington for internship opportunities.

I got my internship.

Next summer, I will be interning in the Office of the Director of Foreign Policy Advisors (POLAD) in the Bureau of Political Military Affairs in the State Department. In short, I'll be interning in the office that serves as a sort of bridge between the Departments of State and Defense. Since my interests lie in national security, international affairs, and the military (I'm sure you're all familiar with my long struggle to become a Navy pilot), this is exactly the kind of internship I need. The deputy director, who has been my point of contact since being offered the position, also hinted that it will be a great opportunity to learn more about the Foreign Service Officer (FSO) Test that gets you in for a career in the State Department, since I'll be working with FSOs during my ten weeks in Washington.

Very exciting. Of course, it also means that just a few months after the boyfriend gets home I'll be leaving for a little while, but at least we won't be far. I'm more worried about the heat!

I Need That Song

Christmas this year didn't really feel like Christmas. So after Advent, and a month of all sorts of anticipation, it's left me feeling unfulfilled.

A number of things were different this year. It's the first time in around fifteen years I haven't been in Boise during the holiday season. Even though growing up we'd spent every other Christmas with our dad, we still had time during break with our mom in Boise. Once I went to college, I still made a trip home for a few days at some point during break. This year, Christmas with my mom was in Louisiana. It was great to see her, but it wasn't the same. At this point, with the boyfriend and I moving to Virginia this spring, I don't know when, or even if, I'll see Boise again...or any of my friends there.

Mass was incredibly disappointing on Christmas. It's been a few years since I made it to the Christmas vigil--I didn't go last year, and the year before I was traveling on Christmas eve. I was really excited to go. The church I usually go to in Palm Springs doesn't have a website so I didn't know what time they had vigil Mass at, so my stepmom and I went to a different church for theirs. It was the most bizarre Mass ever. First, when we walked in, in the back pew was a clown. A Santa clown. Bright green wig, terrifying clown makeup, and giant red suit. Yeah. Then the choir would instruct the congregation on the next song--we're singing this song, these verses, whatever--and then sometimes do something different anyways. On top of all that, the priest was a complete flake. He stuttered his way through the whole thing, forgot a few parts of Mass, and forgot lines that probably half the congregation could have recited for him. Of course, since it's Christmas, most of the people there are confused and lost anyways--either C&E Catholics who aren't as used to Mass anymore, or friends and family who've been dragged along or are just curious about the service. Other things, like people sitting down too soon before Communion, a whole family (who took a whole row) at the back just decided they didn't want to wait and walked up in front of everyone else, and then more confusion as to the order of things...really, the whole thing was a disaster. Then at the end the priest thanked everyone who had helped with preparations for the Mass and everything, and people applauded. I think I've only heard clapping in Mass once before...and it was weird then too. I was glad to get out of there.

There was one point during Mass that made me laugh. After collections, when everything was being carried up to the altar, a little girl, maybe three years old, went running (and since she was three, "running" is used very loosely here) down the center aisle, clutching a bill in her hand, up above her head. She was determined to get her money up there. It was pretty cute :)

On top of all that, having no gifts to open on Christmas, and weather warm enough to sunbathe, just kind of made it seem like Christmas never really came at all.

The worst part of Christmas of course is this deployment. It's now been two Christmases in a row that the boyfriend and I have been apart (last year was my fault...I was in Boise). Of course we don't know yet where we'll be for the holidays next year, but we're both looking forward to it at least being our first Christmas together.

Boring As Heaven

Wow, so it's been a while since I posted. After finals, I've just been so mentally exhausted...it's still hard for me to focus enough to read even fun books, or write something like this, after all of the reading and writing from the semester (and especially the last few weeks).

So far semester break's been pretty relaxing. I was a bit worried about my flight out of Roanoke when at 0545 that morning I was walking to campus to catch the bus...through two inches of snow, with plenty more coming down. My flight did end up being delayed, and I missed my connection, but made it to Louisiana anyways. Had a great weekend with my mom, and spent two days in New Orleans.

New Orleans isn't my kind of town. I can see the appeal for some people...but cheap and trashy just isn't my thing. The architecture and the whole feel of the French Quarter was really cool, and it was fun to wander around town during the day. Saturday night on Bourbon Street though was too much for me.

When I got back to Seattle finally I made a trip over to my apartment to grab a few things for California. I about died when I walked in. The kitchen counter is completely buried...my roommate is apparently stocking up for the apocalypse. Luckily, the lights in the entryway and kitchen were out, so I couldn't fully appreciate the disaster that once was my kitchen. When I go back I've got to start packing up what I've got left in the kitchen...I should be able to free up cabinet space for my roommate so that the counters are at least usable. On the 30th me and some of my girls are having a dinner/movie night, so I'll actually need the kitchen.

Palm Springs has been nice. All but one day so far I've gotten in several hours in the sun (though I don't look any tanner for it...SPF 15 is too much for me...). It's not super warm, mostly in the mid-60s to low 70s during the day, but after below-freezing temperatures for over a month prior, it doesn't even matter. It's been nice to actually thaw out. Especially with the storm that hit the east coast over the weekend!

My Christmas gift from my stepmom and my dad consisted of shopping for grown up clothes, with my internship coming up. Which I still haven't written about...I'll have to get to that later. It's with the State Department, so I definitely needed to upgrade my wardrobe. In all, I ended up with two super cute dresses, one black, the other blue and black, two skirt-suits (which are now about my favorite thing ever...especially since I hate wearing pants), four tops, and a pair of black slacks to replace the ones I have now that are starting to look worn and are now too big. Of course, I also got a new pair of heels to go with it all--cute, black, and pointy. I really do love pointy-toed shoes. I'll have to practice wearing them though; it's been a long time since I wore heels and my ankles disapprove.

My sister was more or less dying from some illness by the time I got to Seattle, so I kept my fingers crossed I wouldn't get it. Finally hit me the morning after Christmas. At least I'm generally healthier than her so it hasn't taken me completely out of commission, but I've been pretty congested and feeling a bit gross for a couple days now. My biggest concern is my flight home...tomorrow. Congestion + flying? Not fun. It will probably slow me down on New Year's Eve too, which is too bad.

I'm thinking this is long enough, so I'll write later about my internship...and about how weird my holidays have actually been.

Not Even Ten Degrees

You know how when you're around something a lot, or thinking about it a lot, things will start to sneak into your dreams? When I was working in orientations (sooo much new-hire paperwork...) I had dreams about files. Thousands and thousands of files. They weren't bad dreams. There were just...files.

Last night, I had my first grad-school dream. As an undergrad, we joke about those dreams where you show up to class and realize there's a test you forgot about, or you slept through your final, or whatever. Since I don't really have finals, or tests, that's not a concern anymore, so it doesn't work its way into my subconscious.

Something else does.

Last night, I dreamed that I finally got published. Three different papers, actually. One of them was based on my work with the Department of State (which I haven't done yet). Another was about brewing hard cider. I know, right? I don't remember the third. It was a pretty awesome dream...I remember being super excited about it.

I guess I should put this into the overall context of "How Horrible My Night Was".

Right now, it's about 7F. With windchill, around -13F. And it's a hell of a wind. I had trouble sleeping because it's been so loud, and the side of the building creaks in the wind. It's a brick building, mind you. Pretty awesome. On top of that, EVERYTHING in my apartment is drafty. The windows and sliding door are pretty new, but still the blinds have been dancing since I made it home last night. By the way, that kind of wind, with this cold? I no joke thought my face was just going to peel off. I'm lucky I took the bus...it wasn't until after I got home that I saw the windchill advisory--frostbite to exposed skin within minutes. And greater risk of hypothermia. Which I'm pretty susceptible to.

Anyways, back to the draftiness. You know those howling, disembodied screams we associate with ghosts? That's what my sliding door sounds like when it's windy. So, scary ghost noises, with the blinds wildly flying around, alone in my apartment, late at night, mentally and physically exhausted...it would be an incredible understatement to say I was absolutely terrified.

I'm pretty sure my electric bill is going to be higher than my share of the rent this month. I don't even keep the heat very high. Usually it's around 60F when I'm gone or at night, and 65F when I'm home and doing things. The heater has been on almost constantly since I got home around 2300 last night. Sometimes it'll turn off, for a minute or two, then right back at it. I'm pretty sure the spare bedroom is about 35F right now. My bedroom's always far colder than the living area too. Not. Fun. And this isn't the first time it's been too cold for the heater to keep up this month. More heating bill fun.

As if the cold and the wind and the stress and exhaustion from finals weren't enough...at 0600 a car horn began malfunctioning. In the middle of my awesome publications dream. It took me a minute or so to figure out what the fuck was going on, because that kind of thing is incredibly disorienting. At first--no joke--I thought it was a tsunami siren. Then I remembered I'm nowhere near the water...so my mind raced through another few possibilities. Alarm clock? No... Fire alarm? No... Effing car horn! I went outside ready to beat the shit out of someone. Once outside, I remembered how cold it was, which did a pretty good job of further enraging me. Once I figured out which car it was, and that it was not, in fact, the most inconsiderate person in the world, I at least got less mad, grabbed a jacket, and decided to do something about this disaster. One of the other neighbors came out (only one...why the hell would so many people not come investigate the car horn that's been going on for 15 minutes!?) and we started knocking on doors, hoping we'd find whoever's car it was. It was a girl downstairs...poor thing was mortified. I was just happy for the noise to stop.

Of course, adrenaline and sub-zero temperatures made sure I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. So today I'll be running on all of three hours of sleep, trying to type up the last few pages of my theory paper, the last essay of my governance final, and actually study a little Russian before my exam tomorrow afternoon. At some point I still have to pack and get my apartment ready to be empty for a month...

Almost there. Just have to keep telling myself. I'm almost there.

Stay Here All Night

For the record. I'm not dead.

Yet.

Finals are doing their best to change that. Thirty hours on campus in the last four days. And counting.

All the writing I have to do by...Wednesday (holy shit) makes trying to write a blog seem extremely unappealing. I'll be back when it's over.

Before We Get Lost

Last night, a new friend introduced me to the community dinners put together by a sustainable food group here on campus.

What they do is collect unused food from restaurants and stores throughout the community, and assemble a free meal for students and the community (I almost said townies. I forgot...Blacksburg "doesn't have townies". Hah!). My friend had helped them cook a few of their meals previously.

Last night, they had ham, sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli, peas, macaroni and cheese, some sort of sauerkraut-esque dish (that was quite tasty), super spicy chili, soup, bread, ice cream and muffins. Quite a selection! It was delicious. I guess they'd had some trouble with advertising, because last night it was mostly the club members and their friends (reminded me of being in Bellingham). I guess usually they get more locals who come by for a free, hot meal.

I was impressed that the group was taking the initiative to do this in a state like Virginia. And that local businesses were so willing to participate as well. It was a delicious (and again, free!) meal, and a good way to meet a few more people. And all that food that would have gone to waste, instead went to fill the hungry bellies of 30-40 college students. A few had brought guitars too and played during the course of the evening, which was fun.

It's something I'd probably be interested in getting more involved in...next semester. I think they do this on the first Sunday of each month. I'll have to get in touch with the club itself.

Also, it is ungodly cold here. Only a couple more weeks until Palm Springs!!!

Once The Sun Is Gone

SNOOOWWWW!!!!!

And it's sticking!

Also...Saturday's a football day! BOISE! STATE!

Which brings me to really the only reason I'm posting today...Day 30. Finally done with the Thirty Day Challenge! Only took...thirty four days to complete? So, a photo of me, taken...now.

Bt-dub, less than seven minutes into the first quarter, and we're up 15-0. That's Bronco football. 

Drowning Myself

Day 30.

...

Umm...yeah. I'll get there. Eventually. For now, I'm on a whole new level of swamped. I couldn't even call it swamped anymore. I don't want to think about what to call it, because that would require thinking about how much work I have to do in the next two weeks. Seriously, fml.

Also, if you didn't see it on Facebook, I got the BEST INTERNSHIP EVAR. More details later. Maybe.

Time To Waste

It hit me tonight, scrolling through my Facebook friends to send out invites for taco soup in Bellingham, just how much has changed in the last two years.

We've all scattered to the wind. New lives, new friends, new adventures. Our time at Western was a time of transformation and growth, and we all were in it together. Now, just like everyone else, we have new lives to grow into, careers that will take us across the country, and some of us even across the world.

Looking back, it just seems like it all happened too fast.

Day 28. My first celebrity crush. Hahaha. Kurt Cobain :D I was so in love with him...it's not even funny. Incidentally, I haven't listened to Nirvana since high school.

Day 29. My opinion of "Glee". Honestly? It's not worth my time. Most TV isn't, but there still are a few I enjoy, because of different things I get out of them. Yeah, I've only watched one episode of Glee, but it turns out I could care less about high school drama. Even if it's the high school dramatized version of current issues.

Hey only one day left of my challenge :)

Oh, so here's a little public service announcement. You know how you're supposed to use scissors, and not try to break loose strings from your clothes using your hands? Well, it's an even worse idea when your fingers are completely numb. I managed to bury a thread in my finger at the UVA game. It didn't hurt or bleed at least, since it was so cold. It's pretty gross looking close up though haha! Doesn't help that it's getting infected because I have nothing to clean it with.

Oh, you all know you miss me :p

Lost All Train Of Thought

Oh, Boise. You've crushed my heart. I was going to be in Pasadena with you! The worst part isn't the lost shot at a BCS bowl game this season. We have plenty of years of football still to play. The worst part is all the douchebags out there that will rejoice in Boise State's fall from glory.

But you know what? We're still a damn good team. You can't ignore our successes because of one failure. Though that's exactly what will happen.

We'll just have to fight that much harder to prove ourselves next season. Plus, we'll be establishing ourselves in a new conference.

Mountain West, here we come.

Day 27. Three favorite girls and boys names, and three favorite pet names.

Girls:

• Alexa
• Sophia
• Averi

Boys:

• Luke
• Jason
• Ethan

Pets:

• Boba
• Radar
• Alice

I'm still not entirely sure when I became such a girl about things like names. I actually have separate lists for middle names I like too. 

Remember when I hated children? And swore I'd never have anything to do with them? Now I can't wait to get my life going, check a few more things off of my list...and one day start a family.

Now I'm going to go watch some more football and get over this girly crap. And recover from last night. GO HOKIES!

Burn Away The Cooking Wine

Oh man, I drank too much last night. It wasn't like getting drunk, it was just twelve hours of slow drinking. Still added up to being hella dehydrated.

COMMONWEALTH CUP TOMORROW! I got lucky and got a ticket for the game through the lottery...so excited! It means I'll miss the Ohio State - Michigan game. Being at the UVA game will be waaay more fun than watching OSU at a bar though. Even though it means freezing my ass off haha. At least I'll be in the sun for the game!

Next season Jude and I will have season tickets at Lane Stadium...so that'll be awesome :)

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving. I enjoyed mine more than I thought I would. It was still sad in some ways, spending a holiday we all associate with "togetherness" completely alone. But I felt a sense of accomplishment when I successfully cooked a full Thanksgiving meal, all by myself, and with only one pot and one baking pan. Needless to say, it took a while. It turned out amazing (or at least I think so...I may be biased!). A lot of the time, because I was just standing around in the kitchen, I used for reflection, which is always nice and calming. I hope to get into a better habit of it.

While I would have loved to spend the holiday with my friends and family, I was happy that so many of them were able to share the holiday with others. I got many texts and a few calls even to wish me a happy holiday, which meant so much. Thanks to all of you!

Day 26. One place I'd like to visit some day.

I actually have a few places on my to-do list. I would have to say that the biggest one would be to make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. To attend a Mass there would really be amazing.

For those of you who aren't Catholic, or aren't religious, it's hard to explain the feeling I have for the Vatican. It's not the same as thinking about Washington, DC as our capital. I'm going to cop out again and not go into it, because I'm sleep deprived and I know many of my friends aren't exactly fans of religion.

I desperately need sleep, so I'll end it here. I hope everyone makes it home safely!

Thankful For Every Breath

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is a little bittersweet for me, spending the holiday alone. On the other hand, it's still a great time to celebrate the fact that I have so many things (and people!) to be thankful for. In no particular order...I'm thankful for my wonderful family, who put up with me for so many years and without whom I wouldn't here at Virginia Tech. I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend, and though he can't be here today, and has spent much of the last year away, has been unbelievably supportive of me with all the craziness of my life and loves me for me, even when that's difficult. I'm thankful for my friends back home, who helped me get through college with some amazing memories and help me keep my head straight when things get a little crazy. I'm thankful for my little fishy roommate, Fission, for keeping me company and surviving the harrowing journey from Christiansburg back in September.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to be studying here at Tech, and the assistantship that kind of fell in my lap, but is and will be crucial to helping me get through graduate school. I'm thankful for all of my professors and classmates, for sharing their knowledge and wisdom so that we can all learn and grow in new ways. I'm thankful for a home where I can be safe and warm, and for the fact that I'm never left wanting.

I'm thankful for all the servicemen and women who can't be with their families tonight, and for their families, whose sacrifices allow us to enjoy our freedoms.

I'm thankful for the Catholic campus ministry here at Tech, for helping students like myself grow in their faith, and providing us with a community of love and understanding. They've helped me through some rough times, especially the events of a week ago.

There's plenty more that I am thankful for, but the list would go on forever. I've been blessed in so many ways.

Day 25. The last book I read, for school or leisure.

Hah! Reading books for fun? What is that?

I've read twenty-some books for my classes so far this semester. That doesn't include any research I've done, or the articles I've read for one class. Just a few more books left at least...and a ton of research.

The book I'm currently reading is called Triple Helix. It's about how universities, industry and government function independently but often work together to innovate (or at least that's what I got so far). It's actually really interesting. But I won't go into it here, because not everyone's into that sort of thing.

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday, and hope that everyone who has traveled makes it home safely, with how the weather's been acting in some places. God bless!

Aren't The Same

Paul said it very well. Grad students don't get much of a Thanksgiving break. I've pretty much been on break since Thursday, since my classes that day ended up canceled. It's not really a break though...every day I have to spend hours reading or researching or writing. I do at least feel less bad when I'm inefficient about my studying.


Day 24. The last movie I saw in the theater.


The last movie I saw was Harry Potter 7.1. And I'm going to be nice and write the rest of this behind a break for others like me who hadn't read the book but plan to see the movie and don't appreciate all the tools ruining everything just because they have free time and read the damn book.


Or not. Thanks, Blogger, for making your jump break fucking retarded. It's apparently not going to work.


I actually feel like this video pretty much wraps up how I felt about the movie. It tries to paint a certain picture, and you can kind of get where they're going with it, though they go about it in a less-than-engaging way, and then throw in a bit that really throws off the whole feel of the series.

This Impending Doom

North Korea.

For those of you who enjoy living under rocks, North Korea decided to attack South Korea yesterday.

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia-pacific/2010/11/2010112317110717125.html

Made me think of a policy simulation we did a few years ago in a foreign affairs class. I was on the North Korea team.

Of course then, it was based on the Five Party Talks regarding NK's nuclear program. Our goal was to get the US, Russia, SK, China, and Japan to let us continue to pursue development of nuclear power stations. There was an accident at the site of a plant picked up by US satellite, and the other countries were demanding answers, especially China, since we had thousands of refugees streaming across their borders and threat of fallout over the nearest regions.

It ended with us collaborating with Russia and the US, China getting pissed about being left out, and then China bombed us and started a war with the US and Russia.

Best quote of the whole thing? "W-T-F China. I thought we were friends". Pretty much summed it all up.

Real life, however, is a much different situation. North Korea is being decidedly aggressive, first flaunting their nuclear facilities, and then going on the offensive against South Korea. And of course the fucking hawks are already calling for intervention. We should act like a superpower, and go take care of this mess.

Yeah, us and what fucking army? We're downsizing the military, with what forces we do have pretty well tied up in the shit we got ourselves in in Afghanistan. Apparently they haven't learned! We don't have the power to just go in and take out a country. Let alone while we're still cleaning up the mess in other countries. 

We waste millions of dollars giving fat contracts to vendors with buddies in Congress, who could care less about spending tax-payers' money efficiently (after all, tax codes go easy on them), or the safety and efficacy of their products. Which directly affects our ability to project our military strength by providing a smaller fighting force with inferior equipment (of course, superior compared to everyone else, but definitely not worth the money we pay for it!). These profiteers just rake in the government funds, and as soon as there's another opportunity? Let's start a new war! 

There's always money to be made. And they can't be bothered with considering the human costs. Even when it's our own that they're sacrificing for their profit.

Sing You To Coma

Well, I'll try and keep this short and sweet. Day 23. My opinions on Lady Gaga.

Thanks to the fact that I'm not glued to a TV screen for 99% of the shit on TV, and don't waste my time with trashy magazines like way too many Americans, I don't know an awful lot about Lady Gaga. I like some of her songs, and I love her music videos. All the other shit people go on about? I could care less. And obviously I don't pay attention because I don't even remember the things that had people talking...I feel like the last was some weird dress? I don't know.

I have more important things to pay attention to. Like how our country is being run by a couple rich families via corporate power, and everyone is too effing stupid to notice because they're too distracted by shit like Lady Gaga or Glee or gay marriage to pay attention to the noose that's been tightening around our necks for the last decade. Longer than that, really, but you get my point.

Perspective, people. Get some.

Enjoy The Crash

I'm posting early because I felt like writing about something other than nuclear energy for a little while, and tomorrow I'm going to have my nose to the grindstone pretty much all day to wrap up this energy policy paper and my group case study of Kosovo. Good times.

And wow...over 1000 views on this thing! Kind of blows my mind...I really didn't expect many people to take interest. I do wish I had cool shit to write about...like moonlighting fighting off ninjas or saving Tech from a zombie infestation. My life is slightly less awesome though.

You know what is awesome though? Rugby.

Day 22. What sports do I play?

So I'm semi-retired from rugby for now, but I played during college for the Western Flames. What an amazing group of women. On and off the field. I've never felt such strong camaraderie, or met so many powerful women (physically and mentally).

I miss rugby. I miss the intensity of the game. I miss how in shape I was. I miss pushing myself, mentally and physically, at every practice and in every game. I miss the bruises and battle scars, and every day waking up to my body screaming at me. I miss knowing that my team had my back, because they knew I had theirs.

I may be coming out of retirement this winter. I plan to bring my kit back from Seattle after the break, and, schedule permitting, joining the team here at Tech. We'll see if I have time for it though.

I wrote more about rugby here. So if you missed that post, it's pretty much what I should have written for today.

Recently, rugby just about turned my world upside down when a silly boy opted to play in a game before fully recovering from a previous injury. I'm sure I'll get criticism for my decision to return to rugby because of it.

You know what though? Pedestrians are injured or killed by drivers every day. That never kept me from getting behind the wheel, and I've certainly never considered staying home because it's safer. While you can't (and certainly shouldn't!) hide from the world out of fear, you can be smart and take steps to keep yourself safe.

Rugby can be a very dangerous sport. You have to know that before you step on the field. You have to respect the game, and respect the risks. You have to know your body, and what it can and cannot do (it's one thing to push yourself, another to just be stupid...and athletes especially have to know the difference). You have to take care of not only yourself, but everyone else on the pitch.

One of the biggest differences between rugby players and American football players is technique (well, and salary). When you don't have pads and helmets to protect you, players have to take responsibility not only for their own safety, but for that of others. You don't see rugby players going (literally) head to head, because we don't have helmets. You don't see rugby players simply throwing their weight around; we don't have pads. You learn to take people down, who may be twice your size, while at the same time protecting yourself, and them. Everyone on the field depends on everyone else to keep each other safe. Like ballet with chainsaws. It's a lot of faith to have in a lot of people. And that's what makes the rugby community so amazing.

That and our awesome drinking songs :D

Intending To Burn

Day 21. What do I love to study?

Well, I'd hope politics would fall under this. I'll only have dedicated seven years of my life to pursuing degrees related to political science (particularly international relations, unfortunately American politics slithered their way into my studies as well). I'm sure plenty of my friends have heard me rant about politics...though I do make a conscious effort to keep my views to myself.

I think that's the worst part about being a political scientist. I hear people say things all the time that are blatant lies, but that's what they back their beliefs up with. And they'll stand by it, come hell or high water. Most people can't imagine how infuriating it is. I mean, it's one thing to think you're right. It's another to be an expert in a field and still have Joe fucking Schmoe argue that the Republican party will save the day by doing away with big government. Seriously, it makes me want to tear my own hair out.

This is where I should go and rant about how waaay too many of the people I know are politically retarded and how they don't realize how much I laugh at them when they stand up on their pathetic little soapbox built of mass media headlines and Huffington's bullshit blogs or O'Reilly's puffed-up nonsense. Really, you're all fucking stupid. Not just the pundits. The whole goddamn country. And the best part? ONLY IN POLITICS are people so oblivious of their complete ignorance! Generally, people will admit their lack of expertise when someone who has spent years of their lives dedicated to a subject decides to step in and offer their expert opinions. Most people don't argue with their doctors, or their accountants. They've spent a lot of time in their fields, so that they really know what they're doing. A political scientist? Bah! Joe the fucking Plumber knows more than anyone with some silly graduate degree.

See, I'm doing it again. The ranting thing.

This is why politicians all look old. Not only do they have to deal with everyone else's completely backwards, fucking retarded bullshit, they have to come up with their own. Talk about stressful. I tell people the truth and they don't believe me. Try pulling random stories out of your ass and making millions of people not only believe you, but worship you as the only sane person around. Obviously "experience" and academic mastery isn't nearly as important as the local bard.

Just remember this: I've seen Russia from my dorm.

PS: Most of you won't understand the level of restraint it took to write this. Those of you who do: keep fighting the good fight. There's already too many Michael Moores and Glenn Becks in this world.

Fix It For Me

Day 20: So, how is my eyesight?

I used to wear glasses, back in junior high, then contacts in high school. My eyesight wasn't too bad, but it helped with driving and to see the board in class. After a few years without contacts, I finally got my eyes checked again.

20/15 bitches. Though MEPS will tell you 20/20. But whatever.

It'd be awesome if they'd just let me be a pilot already...

Let The Light In

Apparently my 30 Day thing has gone out the window. Some of the last few I haven't really cared about. I'll get to them in a minute.

For everyone still wondering, everything's okay :) We got word late last night and he's going to be fine. Thank you to everyone for your love, support, and prayers. We're both very blessed to know so many amazing people.

(notice my complete inability to transition...my academic papers are the same way)

Today I finally got around to buying a new watch. My last one was a $5 plastic thing from Wal-Mart. It. Was. Awesome. I bought it so I wouldn't have to check my phone all the time for the time, plus I needed something that had a timer (for running). It also gave me the option of switching it over to a 24-hour clock--yes, I'm one of those people. It just makes more sense! And it was bright turquoise. Unfortunately, the wristband was starting to look pretty faded, and the watch face a bit banged up (I run into things pretty frequently). Then a few weeks ago, I accidentally got a pen mark on the watch band that would not wash off. This is why I can't have nice things. That pen mark has been tormenting me since.

Until today. Still a cheap Wal-Mart variety watch, but this one at least looks a little bit more grown up. The display's a bit more interesting, and it still has the timer and 24-hour based clock, which is awesome. Plus, instead of just a black and white face with a full greenish backlight, this one has different colors for each set of digits: blue hours, green minutes, red seconds. And when it lights up, it's just these digits, instead of the whole face that illuminates (and in their respective colors!). The watch band is still kind of weird from how it was shoved in the box, but hopefully that'll smooth out. Otherwise, loving my new purchase.

I get too excited about these things. And too be honest, I was a little hesitant to be buying a new watch anyways, just because I hate getting used to new gadgets.

On a more serious note, this is awesome:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Salvatore Giunta
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

As for the last few days of my Challenge...

Day 16: Favorite Disney princess movie. Can I just skip this one? My favorite Disney movies didn't involve princesses...

Day 17: Ugg boots. Yeah, they're ugly as sin. But ooooh my God. So comfy. Not that I'll ever go buy any. I don't mind that they're made of sheepskin. I enjoy eating sheep, too. They are pretty crazy expensive though...

Day 18: Soda vs milk. Those of you who know me, know I pretty much don't drink soda. Sometimes I'll get a random craving for one, or I'll get Sprite or ginger ale when I'm sick. Otherwise, I pretty much just drink beer and water, with the occasional coffee. As for milk...I love it on my cereal (and I really, really love cereal), but I don't just drink it anymore.

Day 19: Haha "The initials of my crush". I just laugh because I wouldn't say I have a "crush" (how junior high...). My other half, my best friend, the love of my life...his initials are JGS.

Oh, so other random thing that happened today. Waiting for the bus to go to Christiansburg (I had to go to the next town over to buy a watch...Blacksburg can be such a pain in the ass), a guy randomly walks up to me, hands me a note, explaining he's doing some social experiment, and walks off. Here's what it said:

What the hell am I reading? Who was that brown guy?! Allow me to explain. My name is jacob and this is completely random, but you seem to have a silly and fun personality. Besides, you're cute so I chose to give you one of these obviously not mass produced notes :) as part of a game to see if you might be interested in doing similar social experiments and pranks. i'm not going to lie, but this whole thing is probably pretty strange, but I guess I'm just goofy like that :P. If you are effectively sketched out, throw this sucker away! But if you're even remotely curious about what all this is, holler at (phone number). Either way, make sure you have a great day! -Jacob

Straight up creeper, or just an inventive way for an engineering dweeb to give a girl his number? Cute, but sorry Jacob, not enough to make me pick up the phone and call. At the very least, people like that keep life interesting.

Couldn't See Across The Ocean

I don't really know what to say.

Right now I'm just a mess of raw emotion and confusion...or just a mess.

The emotions are what I'm struggling with the most. I don't know what to feel. I'm angry. I'm angry at myself, for teaching him how to play a sport that can be so dangerous. Even though it's irrational...I could not have possibly guessed anything like this would happen. I'm angry at him, for making a bad judgement call, after he said he would be careful about letting himself recover. This really isn't fair, because I really have no idea what actually happened.

I feel guilty, again about getting him involved in something that carries so much risk. And for being angry. I'm worried, for both of us. Of course, I'm more worried for him, worried about how this will play out, especially worried because I don't even know the whole story, and there's no way for me to know what's going on. I'm worried for myself, because I can't afford to lose focus at the end of my semester...I can't just completely drop my life. And with that thought, more guilt.

I'm scared. I don't know how this will all play out, or how this is going to change the plans we'd made together. How this is going to change our lives. I'm scared he might not come home. I don't even know if that's something I even need to worry about...the not knowing makes it that much scarier. I don't know to what extent I need to be afraid for him.

All these negative emotions have been just rushing around in my head. Slowly though, there's been a glimmer of hope. I got my act together enough to go to Mass tonight. I talked with our campus minister about what I'm going through, and he shared his experience with similar fears of not knowing. My prayers for Jude's safety and recovery are now accompanied by many others: by the prayers of my mother, by the prayers of my minister, by the prayers of our priest, by the prayers of complete strangers who took Jude into their hearts and lifted their hearts to God.

Hasn't Been That Long

My graduate experience thus far has been difficult. Only not in the way I imagined it would be, at all.

Sure, my classes are challenging. I've done a remarkable amount of work this semester, eclipsing much of my undergraduate work--combined (as far as volume, at the very least). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I never feel like my workload is too difficult for me to handle.

My difficulties lie in my feeling of isolation. On a campus of almost 30,000 students, I feel completely alone. My social encounters are limited to classroom discussion, and office small-talk. While these have their place, I'm increasingly starved for real social interaction.

I even have conversations with my fish. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

On top of this, I've been trying to understand what it is I'm doing here. I don't want to be here. I had zero intention of actually going to grad school...Virginia Tech was (and is) my Plan C. Plan A seems to be forever "in process". Plan B almost worked...but I didn't make the cut. I still don't really want to be here though.

My family wants me to be. They love the fact that I'm furthering my education. Expanding my opportunities. Of course, in their eyes, a master's degree inevitably leads to a fulfilling and lucrative career. I know better. There goes one potential motivation for actually caring about being here. Not that I care as much as they do about making money...they value money and the luxuries that come with it far more than I do. Sure, those things can be nice, but it's not my end goal in life.

Now, I'm sitting in a limbo, waiting on the career I really want, though each passing day makes it seem less and less likely that that will ever work out. In the mean time, any other job that has ever really interested me, or that I've enjoyed in the past, is no longer an option. I love doing physical work. I absolutely despise anything that requires me to sit behind a desk for 8 hours a day. Only now I'm "too educated" to go back to unskilled labor (though I still don't actually have any skills...). So I continue to study. Each day resenting my decision a little more to further mire myself in unimaginable debt, with seemingly little prospect of my education later paying off.

Between the crushing loneliness and my very rational fear of being forever trapped behind a desk (or worse, unemployable), graduate school is indeed very difficult.

Food For One Thought

Only halfway through the month, and I've already written more posts than any other month! Though most of them are crap anyways so I shouldn't count them...

Day 14. My siblings.

I technically have three siblings. I have two younger sisters, one a senior at Gonzaga University and the other in middle school in Idaho. I also have a brother, who's about my age, but I haven't seen him since high school and I don't really count him at all.

My oldest sister is a pain in the ass. Most of the time. I swear she was born to be a total snot. At least we get along more often now that we don't have to live together haha. Still love her though. She's crazy smart, even though she's dedicated probably half of her life to acting like she has numerous mental deficiencies. It's always driven me insane, why she acts like she's stupid so often. She definitely isn't (even though I know I've tried to convince her otherwise in the past). I'm usually pretty jealous of her...she's taller and prettier and smarter and more athletic and more social and went to a better school. But my life's still pretty awesome so I'm just happy for her.

My youngest sister, less of a pain in the ass, but I'm not around her all the time. She has big dreams. We'll see what she does with those in the coming years. Her parents and grandparents don't seem responsible (or knowledgeable) enough to guide her in any particularly constructive way...mostly they just care about keeping her happy in the moment, and are probably setting her up for some very unrealistic expectations of how the world works. She sees how my other sister and I have been relatively successful thus far, but I don't think she sees the level of work and dedication it took us to get this far, or everything else that went on behind the scenes with our parents. I only wish the best for her though.

Day 15. Junk food.

This is tough. I'd have to say that my favorite crap food to eat is pizza. I love pizza. Like, in the same way the ninja turtles do. If I could, I'd probably eat it all the time. I'd never get tired of it. Thankfully I have some self control and don't eat it all the time...but when I'm craving something unhealthy, pizza is usually my go-to.

Luckily, I have this weird thing about calling people. Or places. So I never order pizza. Recently, I got up the nerves to use the internet to get my pizza fix, but I also don't want to be judged when they deliver an extra-large pizza to an apartment that's very obviously very empty. I just really like cold pizza breakfasts....

Pizza is also amazing with beer. And I love beer. Unfortunately, usually if I have one I get so excited about it I forget about the other until it's too late. Those occasions I remember to bring them together, however, are heavenly.

Yep. I'm a fatty. Man, I wish I had a pizza now...

The Air Is Getting Much Too Cold

Four months down. Maybe three to go...we still don't know for sure.

Two more weeks will mark one year for us. A year with half of the first eight months spent apart. And a deployment during the last four.

In some ways, it's been a very rough year. I've gone through a lot of changes...first, losing my job, and not knowing what to do. Then getting my shit together to finally take the GRE, and start looking at grad schools. At the same time, finding a new recruiter and taking the Aviation Standard Test Battery. Both very long processes, and a lot of uncertainty along the way. Unemployment didn't help anything. Finally, moving across the country to a state I'd never even visited, to start graduate studies at a university I knew almost nothing about.

The most important change in my life, however, was last October. A completely out-of-character decision led me to a concert, where I met the man who really is my other half. In all the craziness that's gone on in my life since then, he's been there for me, though sometimes more figuratively as his job has called him away. I feel like I could write for days about everything he means to me, but at the same time I don't know any words that could come close to communicating everything I feel. I always have to settle for the old cliches, but they seem to say it best anyways.

In spite of the rough patches, it's definitely been the best year of my life. And once he's home (and home for good!), it will just get better.

I can hardly wait :)

Worth It?

Four days with nothing, and now two posts in one day? What up. This has been on my mind for a couple weeks now...and it's a very real problem.

I need me some rugby.

I miss having a team. That group of girls you may have never met otherwise. As teammates, though, you'll always have each others' backs, and you'll always be part of that greater whole. We understand each other. And we'll always have that connection.

I miss the pain. Not because I'm some masochist or something. Every day you wake up and every muscle in your body screams at you, and you're covered in bruises and scrapes. And still you show up to practice. Every week you bring it in your matches. And you go hard, pushing the limits of your body and your mind. You wear those bruises, those scars with honor. You earned your pain. And you demonstrate, again and again, how you are always strong enough to overcome it in. It's really a matter of pride...but pain and endurance are the means to that end.

I straight up miss the exercise. I've never been a runner. I can't just go for a run. Or go to the gym by myself. I'm used to running, or working out, with a concrete purpose: to be the best athlete I can, to be an asset to my team. If I ran, it was with my team: either running drills, conditioning, or taking off for the next ruck in a game. Running "to be in shape" is too abstract for me...at least too abstract to motivate me off of my ass. And I would never call running fun. When I was running playing rugby, running still wasn't fun, but it was what connected all the parts that were fun: tackling, scrumming, rucking...

Someone who is keenly aware of how much I can't afford to risk injury pointed out last week that going back to rugby would be stupid. If I broke something or finally did tear a rotator cuff or any number of potential injuries, my shot at OCS would be gone for sure. At the same time, without a team, I feel like I'm drifting...and I'm definitely not staying in the kind of shape I need to be in to pass a PRT. Lose-lose.

I made up my mind about a week ago to bring my kit back after winter break and join the women's team here at Tech. I left my boots and mouthguards in Seattle on purpose: I knew I'd be tempted to play. I don't know if I'll actually be able to play next semester or not. My class schedule may interfere with practices. Or I might just not have enough time (which, looking at the classes I'm going to be taking, could very well be the case). At the very least, they might let me practice with them, and I won't play in games. Or I could practice with the boyfriend when he comes back...he's hoping to join the men's team here in Blacksburg. But that, while fun, wouldn't be as fulfilling.

I guess we'll see what January brings. Who knows...the Navy may reject my waivers by then and injuries wouldn't even matter anymore.

I've Been Preoccupied

Yeah, I've been slacking. Not just on this blog, cuz I haven't gotten an awful lot of studying done in the last few days...but I had an awesome weekend to show for it.

One of my old friends had a long weekend and drove up to kick it for a few days. It was awesome. It's been months since I had someone to just hang out with, or talk too much to, or laugh about stupid (awesome) shit with. Went and saw Megamind in 3D too. I liked it :) 3D is fun, and it was a cute movie. I wish my fish was as cool as Minion...haha. Finally saw Scott Pilgrim too! It. Was. Awesome. I think Wallace was my favorite character. Also, I miss being able to just dye my hair awesome colors all the time. Growing up sucks.

Also, lots of great football. Boise State, Ohio State, and Virginia Tech each won their respective games, so that's always awesome. I had my fingers crossed for an upset against any of the top three, and they played some tough games, but still came out on top. Damn. I didn't get to actually watch the Oregon game because it was late and I didn't want to go back downtown and deal with the Saturday night crowd at the bar. I don't think I've watched any NFL games this year...too much work, and I don't care enough. I hope the Patriots win tonight though. It'd be nice...Eagles and Redskins tomorrow!

Anyways. Days 11, 12, and 13? I'll lump 14 in with tomorrow's.

Day 11. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Oh wait, wrong question...what are my favorite bands?

This is always tricky, because my favorite bands are always changing. I have a bad habit of burning myself out on bands that I listen to way too much for a while. The bands I'd call my "favorites" though are generally bands that I eventually end up going back to though, never totally getting tired of them. Right now, and for the last few months, I'd say that Alkaline Trio and Bad Religion are easily my top two. I go back and forth on which one I'm listening to the most, but it's between those two.

Days 12 and 13. My opinions on Harry Potter and Mean Girls. Watch out, this is going to be deep.

Harry Potter: Loved the books, love the movies. I'm sad that I still haven't read the last book, but I won't be able to see the movie in theaters anyways so I have some more time to catch up still. Maybe Christmas?

Mean Girls: If I ever saw it, I don't remember it. And I'm totally okay with that.

I'll Be Back For You Someday

Day 10. My pets.

I have a dog, a cat, and two fish. In four states. My dog, Kip, is currently traveling with my mom. Seriously, that dog has been to more states than some of my friends. He was in Idaho, then headed to Texas and Louisiana. Currently he's kickin' it in Florida. I'm jealous...I'm sure the weather there is much nicer! My cat, Nutmeg, is still home in Boise. My other cat, Patches, passed away just last week. She lived a pretty long life for an outdoor cat...such a sweet girl. I also have a fish, Misha, in the care of my lovely friend Danielle, in Bellingham, and of course my roommate, Fission, here in Blacksburg with me.

Hopefully this spring I'll have Kip here with me, and once we find a lease that doesn't require cats to be declawed, Nutmeg can join us too :)

I'm still pissed about the mandatory declawing here...it's just cruel...

Wasting Our Time

So yesterday in the interest of being a productive student I neglected to write my blog for the day (yes, I wrote one, but it's not part of the challenge...thing...haha). Today, two.

Days 8 & 9. What are my exercise habits, and what is my favorite meme at the moment.

Exercise? What's that?

No really. Since I got to Virginia, I have no one to work out with, I'm not entirely sure where the gym is, and I'm less than motivated to spend what little free time I have working out. I've lost ten pounds since I got here. And not the pounds I wanted to lose...that was all the muscle I worked so hard for over the summer :(

I'm actually considering playing rugby again next semester. My gear's in Seattle or I might have been more tempted this fall. We'll see what my time constraints are though, and what sorts of time conflicts I'll have with practice.

When I told my classmate/career NFO that I was considering rugby (he knows about my Navy dream), he kind of hinted towards it being a stupid idea, to take that much risk. And it is. And that's why I didn't play last year, and didn't want to bring my gear this fall...I knew I'd miss it, I knew I'd be tempted. And if somehow the Navy does decide they want me (for this fiscal year, they only got 85% of their quota for pilots!), I don't want to get hurt and lose my chance. Though, being fat and lazy already eliminates my chance...if my recruiter calls and says hey, you got your waivers, PRT in two days...I'm all sorts of fucked. Don't get me wrong, I'll be absolutely crushed if that's what happens...but for some reason that's not enough to get me to keep up with a workout routine. I am the absolute worst self-motivator in the world. No joke.

Well that was kind of depressing.

As for memes...



Though I do really miss Old Spice Guy...

Just Depends Who You Ask

I should be writing a discussion outline for tomorrow, not blogging. But I wanted to share this.

"That’s how sex is presented to boys - it’s not intimacy; it’s not the loving, egalitarian [part] that we get something out of, it’s something we do to the other. We raise women to survive in a rape culture, because we raise women to know these things. We do nothing to talk to men about not raping. But we do talk to women about how to protect themselves, which is further why we place the blame on women when something happens. ‘Well didn’t you know not to do that? Didn’t you know not to wear that dress? Or didn’t you know not to walk down that street at that hour of the night?’"
—
feminist Don McPherson, on rape culture and educating boys to not rape

(snagged from my dear Meghan).

Keeps Us Both Alive

Day 7. So technically I'm supposed to be writing about Tumblr. From Tumblr. But I'm not. So...I guess how did I start blogging?

This is actually my second blog. Which I'm actually sure most of you that bother to read this know. I first started blogging when I left to study in St Petersburg, Russia. It was kind of an experiment, to see how it would go. I was kind of meh about it...forgot to post a lot (plus internet was expensive/harder to come by), and then I'd end up writing crazy long entries. I lasted like two months. So yay for me sticking it out on this one! So far. Haha. You can read my old blog here.

When I was getting ready to come out here, I decided to start writing again. Part of my decision was also affected by the fact that my [awesome] boyfriend was heading overseas for some time, and this would give me a chance to collect my thoughts and kind of record what was going on in my life. On top of the five billion emails I send him every day (seriously). I moved to Blogger from LiveJournal because I know a few other people on here, so it's easier for me to follow them. I miss a few things about LJ, like the little icons you can put up on posts (I had some sweet ones from Russia), and the little mood cat haha. Blogger's worked fine for me so far though.

I'm actually not sure what'd kept me writing on here. Part of it may be how isolated I feel, thousands of miles from all of my family and friends (not that this is necessarily written to/for them). I don't really have any outlet over here, so I turn to my blog. Sometimes I vent, sometimes I purge my emo, sometimes I ramble on about random crap like this.

I do like writing, though. It helps me kind of collect my thoughts, and seeing them written keeps them more organized. Writing here clears my head to focus more on my academic writing as well. Speaking of which...I've still got a bunch of writing to do tonight! Eck.

So yeah. I do recommend anyone who hasn't blogged before, just try it out. You may think "oh well my life's pretty boring...no one would want to read it...I wouldn't know what to write..." Fun little writing challenges like this can help that though, kind of getting your brain in gear. I think of mine like kind of like a diary. Censored, because anyone can read it, but it can be useful in a lot of the same ways. Or you can have a blog that's more of an in-depth twitter, or even beer reviews (aka a legitimation of certain drinking habits haha). You can do whatever you want, and that's kind of the beauty of it.

Anyways, I should actually go be productive for a while.

Calendar Always Pinned On Summertime

Day 6. Seasons! Just in time for Blacksburg's sudden decision to pay attention to the calendar...

I pretty much only like one season: summer. I love the sun. I love the heat (though in Seattle I'm just happy when I'm not always freezing). I love swimming, boating, and grilling with friends. I love flip flops and dresses. I love driving with the windows down. I love the sounds of crickets outside my window at night.

In Boise, I loved our summer storms. After the heat of the day, we'd get fantastic electrical storms. As the sun set, the sky would fill with angry purple clouds, the sun's last rays blazing just above the horizon. After dark, bolts of lightning would fly from cloud to cloud over the horizon. Sometimes there would be wind and sudden rain. But it was hot rain, and never lasted long, unlike Seattle's frigid drizzle.

In Bellingham, I loved trips to Lakewood. Jumping into the lake, grilling with friends, cigars on the dock...watching Colin get shitfaced with his orange juice carton. Boulevard was beautiful in the summer, perfect for sunbathing, walking the boardwalk, or throwing a rugby ball around. Nights on the patio at the Up were always amazing, provided the temperature stayed above 60F.

I haven't experienced a full summer in Blacksburg yet, since I moved here in the middle of August. I loved the heat and the humidity. It was like always being wrapped up in a blanket. Plus the sun was always out...have I mentioned how much I love the sun? Brilliant blue skies with the occasional fluffy white cloud over a valley green with the spring's new growth finally maturing. And the crickets. When I first arrived in the New River Valley, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of tiny insect voices that drowned out all other noises in the night. They were soothing to listen to each night as I fell asleep with the window open.

The rest of the year? I hate being cold. I hate clouds, I hate rain. The leaves in the fall are pretty, but I'd be perfectly happy keeping the summer heat and doing without the bright colors that mean winter is near.

It's supposed to snow tonight. I'm wearing far too many clothes for being inside, even with the heat on. Can it be summer again already?

Maybe I'm Wrong

I love football. Mostly.

It's not a sport I can just...watch. Unless I have some interest in a particular match-up, you can more than count me out. Football itself is pretty boring. Run around or hit people. Then stand there a while. Run around or hit people. Then stand there a while.

Rugby spoiled me. All action, all the time. You've got to call plays on the go, players switch from offense to defense and back again...you can't sit and think or predict what could happen. Game-play doesn't stop. And these problems with "hard hitting" in football now? It's because there's little to no technique, compared to rugby. When you don't have layers of foam and plastic protecting your body, you can't just throw your weight around willy-nilly. Well, you can, but you'll probably have a short career, because you (or worse...another player!) will get hurt, and it won't be pretty. That's not to say rugby players don't hit hard. We do. We just hit far more efficiently. Why hurl my body at someone when I can use their own momentum against them by wrapping their legs?

Also, scoring a try is way more exciting than a touchdown. With a try, getting the ball into the "endzone" (we call it a try zone) is just the first half of the battle. An opposing player can still keep you from touching the ball down (you'd think we would have touchdowns, and football...something else). Plus, the extra point kick? We don't just let you set up right in front of the uprights. If the other team let a try through, they still may have redeemed themselves by making it really difficult for the scoring player...if the try is scored off to the far left of the try zone? The extra point attempt must be made from that side of the field as well.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching football. Under certain conditions. If one of my teams is playing, I'm all in. If I'm watching with friends? Hell yeah. Especially friends who make bomb nachos (<3 you Kenny!). In-person? Always fun. But parking in front of the TV to watch game after game? Not so much. I have better things to do.

On a completely unrelated note. The world would be a colder place without ramen. It's about one of my favorite foods. It cooks fast, it's delicious, and you can put other things in it. Every bowl of ramen can be different! Though usually I'm too lazy to do that....when I make ramen it's usually because I'm too lazy to cook real food.

Or because I'm freezing. After two hours at home wearing way too many layers of clothes and huddled under piles of blankets, I was still cold from the football game tonight (we won, bt-dub :D). There's pretty much no possible way for me to dress warm enough to just stand around in the cold...warm clothes are only useful if your body actually produces heat. If I'm not moving around? I pretty much don't. All the insulation in the world couldn't have kept me warm tonight. Ramen, on the other hand, did.

Rugby, football, ramen...God I love college :D

Two Hours Of Shut-Eye

Day 5. My three favorite colors.

Well, my favorite color is blue. I like most blues, really, except pastels. I hate pastel anything. But my absolute most favorite color is a particular shade of blue. My old car, my iPod, my favorite nail polish...I even painted my whole room that color my junior year of college. I'm definitely a fan.

As for another two colors? I'd have to say lime green and orange. I'd pick these for two reasons:

1. I really, really like bright colors. In general. Even pink. The brighter the better.
2. Both lime green and orange pair phenomenally with my favorite shade of blue.

Yes. I am girly enough to base my second and third favorite colors on how well they go with my favorite color.

You should see me play The Sims.

Into The Black Sea

Grad school is weird.

Since I got here, I've felt like I'm in way over my head. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed that I think there is no way I can do this. I wonder whose application they were really looking at when they decided to accept me. I feel out of my league.

At other times, grad school seems like a cake walk. My work didn't get any more difficult between undergrad and grad level courses. I run into all the same problems I did at Western with my schoolwork, and have all the same strengths. I'm actually completely convinced that if I'd turned in any of the papers I've written so far this semester to any of my undergrad professors, I would not be getting As. B-, maybe? I don't feel like I'm delivering at a level "worthy" of graduate work.

Then again, I look at my work load. I've read more books so far this semester than I did in my entire four years at Western. And I still have quite a few books left, plus a lot of research for two big papers coming up. I don't know how I went from barely getting my shit together for my poli sci classes at Western to getting my shit together here at Tech (though sometimes, still barely), especially after a full year of...nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that I'm doing so well. I'm just always afraid that either I am that much of an underachiever, or that my program here is that mediocre. It doesn't seem like it...except for my grades. I hardly feel like I deserve to be in grad school, let alone having solid As across the board (with the notable exception of my Russian class, which is incidentally an undergrad course...I think I'm hovering around an A- there).

Maybe I'm just over-thinking it. A lot will change next semester, with harder professors, more classes (four grad, one undergrad), and starting to put more thought into shaping my major paper. So far, I'm looking to examine nuclear energy in Russia, and likely the program in Iran as well, as it relates to national security. This semester, I've begun working with nuclear energy...a few weeks ago, I did a presentation on US nuclear energy policy. In the next month I'll be working my research for that project into a final paper. At the same time, I will be working on a research essay regarding the theory of security. I need to do a little more research to pin it down a bit more, but I'm hoping that will give me a foundation which I can build my major research paper upon.

This all sounds so...advanced. Again, I feel out of my league.

Bright Ideas

Day 4. My closest friends.

For sure my partners in crime and fellow Vikings, Danielle, Anna, Megan, Josh, and Kenny. All for their own reasons, but they do all have one thing in common: they've been amazing friends over the last few years. I'm not easy to get along with (or put up with); you guys are champs. Bellingham would have been a completely different city without these guys at my side. Most of my greatest memories of the 'Ham, from rugby to scary movie marathons to 80s night (and subsequent trips to Haggen or the Shoe...cheesy fries!) to damn good Sunday football nachos, could never have happened without them. Plus most of my greatest gaps in memory...I assume they were good times too ;)

Love you guys :)

On Your Television

Day 3. Look at me go! Okay, so my favorite television program...

I'm sure some of you know two things about me and television.

1. I don't own a TV. Even when I've had access to a TV, I don't really watch it.
2. M*A*S*H is the greatest show ever created.

And this is where people start thinking, "M*A*S*H? How boring."

Well you know what? Your mom is boring.

In all seriousness, M*A*S*H is an amazing show. It was legitimately funny. Not the shit that passes for humor too often these days. There were still plenty of childish pranks, but mostly made use of its witty characters to make its audience laugh. At the same time, there was substance to the show. It focused on the Korean War, a very serious subject. It showed how people learn to deal the horrors of war, the stresses of deployment, and frustrations with the military. The characters were very human. It was their humanity that really drew me to the show. Not everyone could have a happy ending, and the situations the characters dealt with obviously wore on them, but they learned to survive and to keep each other going, day after day, episode after episode.

If you haven't really watched it before (or only saw it when you were too young to grasp the show's more cerebral content), I highly recommend checking it out. There's a reason it's still incredibly popular ;)

Always On Display

Day 2. Since I wrote about tattoos last week, I guess I'll go into piercings?

I love piercings. I didn't always...well, I at least always liked the idea of them. I was terrified of needles though. I remember almost passing out just getting my ears pierced when I was like 13.

I got my first piercings when I was like 2 or 3 or something. Ears, of course. To date, I've had...24 piercings? I think that's right. I'm down to 14, but I usually only have jewelry in some of them. The ear piercings I have left may never close.

So how did I go from being terrified of needles to being poked that many times? I'm one of those people that tends to confront their fears. Plus I always thought piercings were pretty freaking cool. Still do, but my future employers, whoever they may be, are very, very unlikely to think so as well. By the time I finished high school, I had five regular ear piercings, a nose ring (a hoop even, not some stupid stud), an industrial barbell, and a navel ring. Freshman year of college, I got my tongue pierced, and two helix piercings in one ear (for a spiral). That spring I took out my nose ring, and the next fall I lost one of the helix piercings playing rugby. Rugby then kept me from getting pierced again for years.

Just before I finished college, I got three more piercings, including a septum ring, which is one of my favorite piercings to date. That summer, I got four dermals--two on my sternum, and one in front of each ear. One dermal from my sternum was torn out at Warped tour (I didn't notice until much later, and eventually had it replaced). I also got a conch piercing in one ear, and repierced the lost helix. That winter, I got my tongue web pierced, though I took it out a few weeks later...the barbell I had originally had come out, and the hoop I replaced with with kept catching on my tongue ring. I would love to get it redone and see if I can keep a bar in it.

Another fun thing about piercings? Gauging. I love gauging mine. The lower two piercings in each of my ears have been stretched up a few times (then I'd take them out, and have to gauge them again later...). I also gauged my tongue ring up quite a bit, but stopped because the jewelry that's any bigger than what I have has weird threading and I don't want to deal with that.

Piercings are great because they're so dynamic. You can pretty much pierce anything. And today there's so many options for jewelry. Plus, piercings aren't permanent. Yes, you'll likely have a scar after you take your jewelry out, but unless it's in the middle of your face it's usually not very noticeable (and even then, it's usually small). There's certainly drawbacks to piercings as well: they can be more work to maintain, during and after healing, you have to consider how easily jewelry will catch on things, what employers (or parents) will think, etc.

Piercings are like puppies...they're a ton of fun, and can look pretty cool, but you can't forget that they're a responsibility too.

But No, It's Not A Burden

Day 1 of the Thirty Day Сhallenge: My middle name.

Well, actually I have two. I'm just extra special. Obviously.

My first middle name is Grace. If you know me, you'll understand how remarkably ironic it is. If you looked up "grace" in the dictionary, you will not see my picture. Definitely about the clumsiest person I know haha. What were my parents thinking? It looks pretty awesome in Cyrillic though: Грэйс. Hell yeah.

My second middle name is Sundstrom. It's my mother's maiden name. Thank God I didn't end up with a hyphenated last name...it'd be sixteen letters long. No thanks. Plus hyphenated names just look ridiculous...indecisive much? Also cool in Cyrillic. Maybe just because Cyrillic makes everything more awesome: Сундстром.

Having two middle names is kind of cool. Just because most people only have one. Or none. It's way less cool when forms want you to put your middle initial. Most won't accept two middle initials. DISCRIMINATION. So even though my legal name has two middle initials, I have paperwork everywhere that has just the G. At least my driver's license has both.

Another cool thing about two middle names? Literally nothing comes up when I google my full name. Yea-yuh. Though maybe that's kind of sad because I've never accomplished anything important enough for the internet...but whatevs. I'm just that underground.

Be jealous :p

A New Tattoo Is A New Reason To Think

I love tattoos. They really do become an addiction. Of course, there are several problems with this:

1. I would like to have a job someday. This puts major restrictions on where (and what) I can tattoo.
2. One day, when I do get around to getting married, I don't want tattoos showing in my dress. The day should be about my future husband and I (and God). I love my tattoos, but they don't need to be part of that. More restrictions on where I can tattoo.
3. Tattoos are expensive. Really expensive. Of course, they're worth the money (definitely not something you want to be cheap about...you get what you pay for!). It's hard sometimes to justify that kind of cash on a tattoo, rather than anything else you could drop hundreds of dollars on.
4. There are so many things you can do with ink! I feel like I always have too many ideas for tattoos, and it takes me a while to sort through and settle on the next project.
5. Pain? This actually doesn't really discourage me. My last tattoo was down my side, and after several hours under the needle on my second session I was exhausted and miserable. However, the pain is only temporary, and my beautiful new ink will be with me for a lifetime. I will, however, be waiting a while before I get anything else done on my side!

At the moment, I've got several ideas I've been kind of bouncing around in my head, that likely won't come to fruition for at least another year or so. 

For some time I've wanted a salmon styled to look like the artwork of the native tribes in the Northwest. I grew up salmon fishing, and turns out I'm from the Northwest. I love the style of the native totems, with their bold colors, strong lines and shapes (can you tell I'm not an art dork?). Plus, I've already got a ton of red ink, and this tattoo would give me the opportunity to finally work in some blue. Funny how I have no tattoos with my favorite color...yet. I'm not yet sure where I would place this tattoo...I'd initially planned for it to be on my left side (on my right is my Russian firebird), but I'd actually rather place it on the side of my calf. This goes back to problem #1, however. Until I figure out placement, it's been moth-balled. 

My other idea is for a seraph from the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. I spent hours in the Hagia Sophia...it was simply breathtaking. And the seraphim mosaics absolutely fascinate me. Couple that with my dream to become a pilot, my love of travel (notice that my tattoos/ideas tend towards following my travels?), and the fact that this would give me some blue ink...I'd love it. So far, the only place I've wanted to put it would be my wrist, and again with problem #1 (and #2). We'll see. Until I can decide on a better placement, or get my dream job (the Navy will care less about that placement...but I wouldn't want to jinx anything by getting a tattoo with wings before I actually got my own!), it's had to join my salmon dreams on the back burner.

In spite of these roadblocks, I'm always dying for a new tattoo. At least I plan things through though, eh?

Also, I kind of stole this idea from a friend and fellow rugger...the Thirty Day [blog] Challenge. So thirty days of mediocre, prompted blogs. I kind of jumped ahead; Day #2 is tattoos and piercings (her entry inspired my writing today), but I have plenty to write about for that anyways. I figure I'll start Monday, since November has thirty days, and try and keep up with it. 

At the very least, once I'm responding to each prompt, I'll be more likely to be inspired and go off on something else. Ideally, this will be less like people's little Facebook quiz things and more like my prompted writing in middle school: about a paragraph of relevant information, and then about five more of whatever's on my mind, whether it relates to the prompt or not. Once I'm writing, it's just that much easier for me to keep going with...anything (I blog most when I'm taking breaks from school papers...procrastination ftw). Brace yourselves for stream of consciousness.

That was probably more than I needed to write about that. Anyways, keep an eye out for those, and I'll try not to bore you to death! 

Breathe In Your Morning Air

So after my post earlier today, the Gospel this evening at Mass dealt with pride. The passage read, Luke 18:9-14, describes a scene where a Pharisee and a tax collector go to the temple for prayer. The holier-than-thou Pharisee prays, 'O God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity...'

Now, those of you who know me, know I'm definitely an elitist. Not as far as my religion (I at least don't imagine that I am better than others for their religious beliefs, just that some religious beliefs make less sense than others), but in general. And I am very judgmental--but almost exclusively of hypocrites or people who don't use the minds God gave them to challenge anything. At least that's what I try to limit myself to.

Not that this justifies it. At all. But that's my rationale.

I speak out and argue not to tear a person down. I argue to break down their argument, and test their intellectual ability to examine their own views in a critical light. Not simply "oh this is what liberals think" or "oh this is what my parents think" or "this is what my priest thinks". But to really examine where their ideas came from, and to challenge them to support their ideas with reason.

Not that I'm always reasonable, because I'm definitely not. But I do contemplate my reasoning, and try to at the very least understand it. And for whatever reason, I often feel compelled to challenge others to do the same, because I feel it isn't done enough.

This doesn't make me many friends. I'm okay with that.

I am a hypocrite. I am judgmental. I'm sure I always will be. I'm human. At least I acknowledge my flaws. And when I'm the one getting put in my place (especially by scripture), I at least take the time to look at what's really going on.

On a completely unrelated note...tonight I carved my pumpkin!

So Thankful I'm Not One Of Them

So maybe I'm weird but this bothers me:

"I'M A HANDFUL!! Unfortunately most women won't repost this. I'm strong-willed, independent, a bit outspoken and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell......don't deserve me at my best. If you're a HANDFUL, repost"

Girls have been posting this on Facebook right. Like it's empowering or some shit. But it implies that there's some element of control anyways. So, what, you just want a longer leash?

I don't know about you, but I'm not a handful. Because I'm not here to be "handled".

I Feel You Missing From My Heart

I've been really homesick the last couple weeks and it's weird. Not for Seattle. But for that "home" feeling. I still feel like I'm just a visitor here, temporarily displaced. I have no intention of making Blacksburg a long-term residence. And everything that's important to me is scattered all over the world. Literally. Everywhere but here.

My boyfriend is on the other side of the world. My friends and my family are mostly in the PNW, but definitely not here in Virginia. My dog is in Louisiana. My cats are in Idaho. My (other) fish is in Bellingham. Almost everything I own is sitting in my apartment in Seattle.

So here I am, in a half-empty apartment, thousands of miles away from "home", any way you look at it. I feel like my apartment here must...cold, fragmented, half-empty.

I'm more than ready for my life to start to come back together.

Convince Myself It's True

So this is my blog. It's my thoughts. My experiences, my dreams, whatever it is that I'm entertaining myself with at a given time...whatever.

So why do I still hesitate to write so many things on here? One of the great things about the internet is the distance. While this doesn't really grant me anonymity (pretty sure everyone who reads this follows the link on Facebook, so you already know who I am), it saves me the potential emotional exchange that accompanies any conversation. I say my piece. You may say yours. And we can happily cut out any awkwardness or mute any emotions as we please. Only I'm still terrified to speak my mind. And there's a lot going on there lately.

Maybe I'll get past this. As much as I'm sure even out of the people curious enough to follow the link here aren't going to judge me that much about what I have to say, I still worry. Irrational, I know. Until then, I guess I'm just writing about the fact that I'm writing [offline]. Yeah.

We'll see.

But Nobody's Home

I don't even know what to write. For whatever reason just felt like I should be writing.

I got to talk to Jude tonight :) And last night. It's great to be able to talk without the crazy-long delay for a change. I always feel like I don't have enough to say, but at the same time too much to say. Nothing I can just chat with him about...but so many conversations I would love to be able to have.

Today we talked about rugby :) Jude's team played their first game yesterday, and held their ground pretty well for being a bunch of newbies who've just had a few practices (and in a hangar, no less). He said they lost 14-19, but that's not bad at all. They now know more about how gameplay actually flows (as opposed to drills, and maybe having watched some rugby previously), and will have a good idea what their weaknesses are, so those can be addressed before the next match. And of course with rugby matches come rugby socials, so he got his first real taste of rugby culture haha. I love that he's so excited about playing rugby now (yet another thing to add to the list of things we have in common!). And I'm so glad he's having so much fun with it. It's a nice break from the regular grind. Rugby was always a great escape for me. And an amazing way to get some aggression out! There's a club team here he wants to play for. Which would be awesome :)

I'm just excited for him to be home. It's hard being this alone. Even though Fizz is an awesome roommate, he's not much of a conversationalist. Or very good at hugs.

Almost three months down. Only four more to go.