Worth It?

Four days with nothing, and now two posts in one day? What up. This has been on my mind for a couple weeks now...and it's a very real problem.

I need me some rugby.

I miss having a team. That group of girls you may have never met otherwise. As teammates, though, you'll always have each others' backs, and you'll always be part of that greater whole. We understand each other. And we'll always have that connection.

I miss the pain. Not because I'm some masochist or something. Every day you wake up and every muscle in your body screams at you, and you're covered in bruises and scrapes. And still you show up to practice. Every week you bring it in your matches. And you go hard, pushing the limits of your body and your mind. You wear those bruises, those scars with honor. You earned your pain. And you demonstrate, again and again, how you are always strong enough to overcome it in. It's really a matter of pride...but pain and endurance are the means to that end.

I straight up miss the exercise. I've never been a runner. I can't just go for a run. Or go to the gym by myself. I'm used to running, or working out, with a concrete purpose: to be the best athlete I can, to be an asset to my team. If I ran, it was with my team: either running drills, conditioning, or taking off for the next ruck in a game. Running "to be in shape" is too abstract for me...at least too abstract to motivate me off of my ass. And I would never call running fun. When I was running playing rugby, running still wasn't fun, but it was what connected all the parts that were fun: tackling, scrumming, rucking...

Someone who is keenly aware of how much I can't afford to risk injury pointed out last week that going back to rugby would be stupid. If I broke something or finally did tear a rotator cuff or any number of potential injuries, my shot at OCS would be gone for sure. At the same time, without a team, I feel like I'm drifting...and I'm definitely not staying in the kind of shape I need to be in to pass a PRT. Lose-lose.

I made up my mind about a week ago to bring my kit back after winter break and join the women's team here at Tech. I left my boots and mouthguards in Seattle on purpose: I knew I'd be tempted to play. I don't know if I'll actually be able to play next semester or not. My class schedule may interfere with practices. Or I might just not have enough time (which, looking at the classes I'm going to be taking, could very well be the case). At the very least, they might let me practice with them, and I won't play in games. Or I could practice with the boyfriend when he comes back...he's hoping to join the men's team here in Blacksburg. But that, while fun, wouldn't be as fulfilling.

I guess we'll see what January brings. Who knows...the Navy may reject my waivers by then and injuries wouldn't even matter anymore.