I don't really know what to say.
Right now I'm just a mess of raw emotion and confusion...or just a mess.
The emotions are what I'm struggling with the most. I don't know what to feel. I'm angry. I'm angry at myself, for teaching him how to play a sport that can be so dangerous. Even though it's irrational...I could not have possibly guessed anything like this would happen. I'm angry at him, for making a bad judgement call, after he said he would be careful about letting himself recover. This really isn't fair, because I really have no idea what actually happened.
I feel guilty, again about getting him involved in something that carries so much risk. And for being angry. I'm worried, for both of us. Of course, I'm more worried for him, worried about how this will play out, especially worried because I don't even know the whole story, and there's no way for me to know what's going on. I'm worried for myself, because I can't afford to lose focus at the end of my semester...I can't just completely drop my life. And with that thought, more guilt.
I'm scared. I don't know how this will all play out, or how this is going to change the plans we'd made together. How this is going to change our lives. I'm scared he might not come home. I don't even know if that's something I even need to worry about...the not knowing makes it that much scarier. I don't know to what extent I need to be afraid for him.
All these negative emotions have been just rushing around in my head. Slowly though, there's been a glimmer of hope. I got my act together enough to go to Mass tonight. I talked with our campus minister about what I'm going through, and he shared his experience with similar fears of not knowing. My prayers for Jude's safety and recovery are now accompanied by many others: by the prayers of my mother, by the prayers of my minister, by the prayers of our priest, by the prayers of complete strangers who took Jude into their hearts and lifted their hearts to God.
I am so so sorry. Part of me wishes that I hadn't been told and that I wasn't asked to contact you. I feel guilty because there was so little I knew and so little that I could tell you and thus little I could do to help you at this time.
ReplyDeleteI too am praying (if you can call it that, you know me) for both of you and you have both been in my thoughts all day. Please know that I am here for you and if you need ANYTHING, please let me know.
To my beloved daughter & Jude,
ReplyDeleteYou are both so very loved and in so many of our hearts! The power of prayer is great & brings all of us strength in lifes challenges & joy in lifes good times. Do not be angry or fear living life! If we don't live it to the fullest or try new things, what kind of life would that be? Jude is strong & is under excellent care. He can feel what is in everyone's heart & that will give him strength, even across the ocean!
To your friend Kat,
Never regret passing on important information, however much of it you have, to those who should be aware. Without knowledge how could others offer their prayers and support to each other at such difficult times?
It is times like this that bring loved ones closer, and remind us to be grateful and appreciate the gift of life.
Love to you all! We love you Jude!
Mom
Thank you both, for all of your support. Jude and I are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
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