Time To Waste

It hit me tonight, scrolling through my Facebook friends to send out invites for taco soup in Bellingham, just how much has changed in the last two years.

We've all scattered to the wind. New lives, new friends, new adventures. Our time at Western was a time of transformation and growth, and we all were in it together. Now, just like everyone else, we have new lives to grow into, careers that will take us across the country, and some of us even across the world.

Looking back, it just seems like it all happened too fast.

Day 28. My first celebrity crush. Hahaha. Kurt Cobain :D I was so in love with him...it's not even funny. Incidentally, I haven't listened to Nirvana since high school.

Day 29. My opinion of "Glee". Honestly? It's not worth my time. Most TV isn't, but there still are a few I enjoy, because of different things I get out of them. Yeah, I've only watched one episode of Glee, but it turns out I could care less about high school drama. Even if it's the high school dramatized version of current issues.

Hey only one day left of my challenge :)

Oh, so here's a little public service announcement. You know how you're supposed to use scissors, and not try to break loose strings from your clothes using your hands? Well, it's an even worse idea when your fingers are completely numb. I managed to bury a thread in my finger at the UVA game. It didn't hurt or bleed at least, since it was so cold. It's pretty gross looking close up though haha! Doesn't help that it's getting infected because I have nothing to clean it with.

Oh, you all know you miss me :p

Lost All Train Of Thought

Oh, Boise. You've crushed my heart. I was going to be in Pasadena with you! The worst part isn't the lost shot at a BCS bowl game this season. We have plenty of years of football still to play. The worst part is all the douchebags out there that will rejoice in Boise State's fall from glory.

But you know what? We're still a damn good team. You can't ignore our successes because of one failure. Though that's exactly what will happen.

We'll just have to fight that much harder to prove ourselves next season. Plus, we'll be establishing ourselves in a new conference.

Mountain West, here we come.

Day 27. Three favorite girls and boys names, and three favorite pet names.

Girls:

• Alexa
• Sophia
• Averi

Boys:

• Luke
• Jason
• Ethan

Pets:

• Boba
• Radar
• Alice

I'm still not entirely sure when I became such a girl about things like names. I actually have separate lists for middle names I like too. 

Remember when I hated children? And swore I'd never have anything to do with them? Now I can't wait to get my life going, check a few more things off of my list...and one day start a family.

Now I'm going to go watch some more football and get over this girly crap. And recover from last night. GO HOKIES!

Burn Away The Cooking Wine

Oh man, I drank too much last night. It wasn't like getting drunk, it was just twelve hours of slow drinking. Still added up to being hella dehydrated.

COMMONWEALTH CUP TOMORROW! I got lucky and got a ticket for the game through the lottery...so excited! It means I'll miss the Ohio State - Michigan game. Being at the UVA game will be waaay more fun than watching OSU at a bar though. Even though it means freezing my ass off haha. At least I'll be in the sun for the game!

Next season Jude and I will have season tickets at Lane Stadium...so that'll be awesome :)

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving. I enjoyed mine more than I thought I would. It was still sad in some ways, spending a holiday we all associate with "togetherness" completely alone. But I felt a sense of accomplishment when I successfully cooked a full Thanksgiving meal, all by myself, and with only one pot and one baking pan. Needless to say, it took a while. It turned out amazing (or at least I think so...I may be biased!). A lot of the time, because I was just standing around in the kitchen, I used for reflection, which is always nice and calming. I hope to get into a better habit of it.

While I would have loved to spend the holiday with my friends and family, I was happy that so many of them were able to share the holiday with others. I got many texts and a few calls even to wish me a happy holiday, which meant so much. Thanks to all of you!

Day 26. One place I'd like to visit some day.

I actually have a few places on my to-do list. I would have to say that the biggest one would be to make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. To attend a Mass there would really be amazing.

For those of you who aren't Catholic, or aren't religious, it's hard to explain the feeling I have for the Vatican. It's not the same as thinking about Washington, DC as our capital. I'm going to cop out again and not go into it, because I'm sleep deprived and I know many of my friends aren't exactly fans of religion.

I desperately need sleep, so I'll end it here. I hope everyone makes it home safely!

Thankful For Every Breath

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is a little bittersweet for me, spending the holiday alone. On the other hand, it's still a great time to celebrate the fact that I have so many things (and people!) to be thankful for. In no particular order...I'm thankful for my wonderful family, who put up with me for so many years and without whom I wouldn't here at Virginia Tech. I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend, and though he can't be here today, and has spent much of the last year away, has been unbelievably supportive of me with all the craziness of my life and loves me for me, even when that's difficult. I'm thankful for my friends back home, who helped me get through college with some amazing memories and help me keep my head straight when things get a little crazy. I'm thankful for my little fishy roommate, Fission, for keeping me company and surviving the harrowing journey from Christiansburg back in September.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to be studying here at Tech, and the assistantship that kind of fell in my lap, but is and will be crucial to helping me get through graduate school. I'm thankful for all of my professors and classmates, for sharing their knowledge and wisdom so that we can all learn and grow in new ways. I'm thankful for a home where I can be safe and warm, and for the fact that I'm never left wanting.

I'm thankful for all the servicemen and women who can't be with their families tonight, and for their families, whose sacrifices allow us to enjoy our freedoms.

I'm thankful for the Catholic campus ministry here at Tech, for helping students like myself grow in their faith, and providing us with a community of love and understanding. They've helped me through some rough times, especially the events of a week ago.

There's plenty more that I am thankful for, but the list would go on forever. I've been blessed in so many ways.

Day 25. The last book I read, for school or leisure.

Hah! Reading books for fun? What is that?

I've read twenty-some books for my classes so far this semester. That doesn't include any research I've done, or the articles I've read for one class. Just a few more books left at least...and a ton of research.

The book I'm currently reading is called Triple Helix. It's about how universities, industry and government function independently but often work together to innovate (or at least that's what I got so far). It's actually really interesting. But I won't go into it here, because not everyone's into that sort of thing.

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday, and hope that everyone who has traveled makes it home safely, with how the weather's been acting in some places. God bless!

Aren't The Same

Paul said it very well. Grad students don't get much of a Thanksgiving break. I've pretty much been on break since Thursday, since my classes that day ended up canceled. It's not really a break though...every day I have to spend hours reading or researching or writing. I do at least feel less bad when I'm inefficient about my studying.


Day 24. The last movie I saw in the theater.


The last movie I saw was Harry Potter 7.1. And I'm going to be nice and write the rest of this behind a break for others like me who hadn't read the book but plan to see the movie and don't appreciate all the tools ruining everything just because they have free time and read the damn book.


Or not. Thanks, Blogger, for making your jump break fucking retarded. It's apparently not going to work.


I actually feel like this video pretty much wraps up how I felt about the movie. It tries to paint a certain picture, and you can kind of get where they're going with it, though they go about it in a less-than-engaging way, and then throw in a bit that really throws off the whole feel of the series.

This Impending Doom

North Korea.

For those of you who enjoy living under rocks, North Korea decided to attack South Korea yesterday.

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia-pacific/2010/11/2010112317110717125.html

Made me think of a policy simulation we did a few years ago in a foreign affairs class. I was on the North Korea team.

Of course then, it was based on the Five Party Talks regarding NK's nuclear program. Our goal was to get the US, Russia, SK, China, and Japan to let us continue to pursue development of nuclear power stations. There was an accident at the site of a plant picked up by US satellite, and the other countries were demanding answers, especially China, since we had thousands of refugees streaming across their borders and threat of fallout over the nearest regions.

It ended with us collaborating with Russia and the US, China getting pissed about being left out, and then China bombed us and started a war with the US and Russia.

Best quote of the whole thing? "W-T-F China. I thought we were friends". Pretty much summed it all up.

Real life, however, is a much different situation. North Korea is being decidedly aggressive, first flaunting their nuclear facilities, and then going on the offensive against South Korea. And of course the fucking hawks are already calling for intervention. We should act like a superpower, and go take care of this mess.

Yeah, us and what fucking army? We're downsizing the military, with what forces we do have pretty well tied up in the shit we got ourselves in in Afghanistan. Apparently they haven't learned! We don't have the power to just go in and take out a country. Let alone while we're still cleaning up the mess in other countries. 

We waste millions of dollars giving fat contracts to vendors with buddies in Congress, who could care less about spending tax-payers' money efficiently (after all, tax codes go easy on them), or the safety and efficacy of their products. Which directly affects our ability to project our military strength by providing a smaller fighting force with inferior equipment (of course, superior compared to everyone else, but definitely not worth the money we pay for it!). These profiteers just rake in the government funds, and as soon as there's another opportunity? Let's start a new war! 

There's always money to be made. And they can't be bothered with considering the human costs. Even when it's our own that they're sacrificing for their profit.

Sing You To Coma

Well, I'll try and keep this short and sweet. Day 23. My opinions on Lady Gaga.

Thanks to the fact that I'm not glued to a TV screen for 99% of the shit on TV, and don't waste my time with trashy magazines like way too many Americans, I don't know an awful lot about Lady Gaga. I like some of her songs, and I love her music videos. All the other shit people go on about? I could care less. And obviously I don't pay attention because I don't even remember the things that had people talking...I feel like the last was some weird dress? I don't know.

I have more important things to pay attention to. Like how our country is being run by a couple rich families via corporate power, and everyone is too effing stupid to notice because they're too distracted by shit like Lady Gaga or Glee or gay marriage to pay attention to the noose that's been tightening around our necks for the last decade. Longer than that, really, but you get my point.

Perspective, people. Get some.

Enjoy The Crash

I'm posting early because I felt like writing about something other than nuclear energy for a little while, and tomorrow I'm going to have my nose to the grindstone pretty much all day to wrap up this energy policy paper and my group case study of Kosovo. Good times.

And wow...over 1000 views on this thing! Kind of blows my mind...I really didn't expect many people to take interest. I do wish I had cool shit to write about...like moonlighting fighting off ninjas or saving Tech from a zombie infestation. My life is slightly less awesome though.

You know what is awesome though? Rugby.

Day 22. What sports do I play?

So I'm semi-retired from rugby for now, but I played during college for the Western Flames. What an amazing group of women. On and off the field. I've never felt such strong camaraderie, or met so many powerful women (physically and mentally).

I miss rugby. I miss the intensity of the game. I miss how in shape I was. I miss pushing myself, mentally and physically, at every practice and in every game. I miss the bruises and battle scars, and every day waking up to my body screaming at me. I miss knowing that my team had my back, because they knew I had theirs.

I may be coming out of retirement this winter. I plan to bring my kit back from Seattle after the break, and, schedule permitting, joining the team here at Tech. We'll see if I have time for it though.

I wrote more about rugby here. So if you missed that post, it's pretty much what I should have written for today.

Recently, rugby just about turned my world upside down when a silly boy opted to play in a game before fully recovering from a previous injury. I'm sure I'll get criticism for my decision to return to rugby because of it.

You know what though? Pedestrians are injured or killed by drivers every day. That never kept me from getting behind the wheel, and I've certainly never considered staying home because it's safer. While you can't (and certainly shouldn't!) hide from the world out of fear, you can be smart and take steps to keep yourself safe.

Rugby can be a very dangerous sport. You have to know that before you step on the field. You have to respect the game, and respect the risks. You have to know your body, and what it can and cannot do (it's one thing to push yourself, another to just be stupid...and athletes especially have to know the difference). You have to take care of not only yourself, but everyone else on the pitch.

One of the biggest differences between rugby players and American football players is technique (well, and salary). When you don't have pads and helmets to protect you, players have to take responsibility not only for their own safety, but for that of others. You don't see rugby players going (literally) head to head, because we don't have helmets. You don't see rugby players simply throwing their weight around; we don't have pads. You learn to take people down, who may be twice your size, while at the same time protecting yourself, and them. Everyone on the field depends on everyone else to keep each other safe. Like ballet with chainsaws. It's a lot of faith to have in a lot of people. And that's what makes the rugby community so amazing.

That and our awesome drinking songs :D

Intending To Burn

Day 21. What do I love to study?

Well, I'd hope politics would fall under this. I'll only have dedicated seven years of my life to pursuing degrees related to political science (particularly international relations, unfortunately American politics slithered their way into my studies as well). I'm sure plenty of my friends have heard me rant about politics...though I do make a conscious effort to keep my views to myself.

I think that's the worst part about being a political scientist. I hear people say things all the time that are blatant lies, but that's what they back their beliefs up with. And they'll stand by it, come hell or high water. Most people can't imagine how infuriating it is. I mean, it's one thing to think you're right. It's another to be an expert in a field and still have Joe fucking Schmoe argue that the Republican party will save the day by doing away with big government. Seriously, it makes me want to tear my own hair out.

This is where I should go and rant about how waaay too many of the people I know are politically retarded and how they don't realize how much I laugh at them when they stand up on their pathetic little soapbox built of mass media headlines and Huffington's bullshit blogs or O'Reilly's puffed-up nonsense. Really, you're all fucking stupid. Not just the pundits. The whole goddamn country. And the best part? ONLY IN POLITICS are people so oblivious of their complete ignorance! Generally, people will admit their lack of expertise when someone who has spent years of their lives dedicated to a subject decides to step in and offer their expert opinions. Most people don't argue with their doctors, or their accountants. They've spent a lot of time in their fields, so that they really know what they're doing. A political scientist? Bah! Joe the fucking Plumber knows more than anyone with some silly graduate degree.

See, I'm doing it again. The ranting thing.

This is why politicians all look old. Not only do they have to deal with everyone else's completely backwards, fucking retarded bullshit, they have to come up with their own. Talk about stressful. I tell people the truth and they don't believe me. Try pulling random stories out of your ass and making millions of people not only believe you, but worship you as the only sane person around. Obviously "experience" and academic mastery isn't nearly as important as the local bard.

Just remember this: I've seen Russia from my dorm.

PS: Most of you won't understand the level of restraint it took to write this. Those of you who do: keep fighting the good fight. There's already too many Michael Moores and Glenn Becks in this world.

Fix It For Me

Day 20: So, how is my eyesight?

I used to wear glasses, back in junior high, then contacts in high school. My eyesight wasn't too bad, but it helped with driving and to see the board in class. After a few years without contacts, I finally got my eyes checked again.

20/15 bitches. Though MEPS will tell you 20/20. But whatever.

It'd be awesome if they'd just let me be a pilot already...

Let The Light In

Apparently my 30 Day thing has gone out the window. Some of the last few I haven't really cared about. I'll get to them in a minute.

For everyone still wondering, everything's okay :) We got word late last night and he's going to be fine. Thank you to everyone for your love, support, and prayers. We're both very blessed to know so many amazing people.

(notice my complete inability to transition...my academic papers are the same way)

Today I finally got around to buying a new watch. My last one was a $5 plastic thing from Wal-Mart. It. Was. Awesome. I bought it so I wouldn't have to check my phone all the time for the time, plus I needed something that had a timer (for running). It also gave me the option of switching it over to a 24-hour clock--yes, I'm one of those people. It just makes more sense! And it was bright turquoise. Unfortunately, the wristband was starting to look pretty faded, and the watch face a bit banged up (I run into things pretty frequently). Then a few weeks ago, I accidentally got a pen mark on the watch band that would not wash off. This is why I can't have nice things. That pen mark has been tormenting me since.

Until today. Still a cheap Wal-Mart variety watch, but this one at least looks a little bit more grown up. The display's a bit more interesting, and it still has the timer and 24-hour based clock, which is awesome. Plus, instead of just a black and white face with a full greenish backlight, this one has different colors for each set of digits: blue hours, green minutes, red seconds. And when it lights up, it's just these digits, instead of the whole face that illuminates (and in their respective colors!). The watch band is still kind of weird from how it was shoved in the box, but hopefully that'll smooth out. Otherwise, loving my new purchase.

I get too excited about these things. And too be honest, I was a little hesitant to be buying a new watch anyways, just because I hate getting used to new gadgets.

On a more serious note, this is awesome:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Salvatore Giunta
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

As for the last few days of my Challenge...

Day 16: Favorite Disney princess movie. Can I just skip this one? My favorite Disney movies didn't involve princesses...

Day 17: Ugg boots. Yeah, they're ugly as sin. But ooooh my God. So comfy. Not that I'll ever go buy any. I don't mind that they're made of sheepskin. I enjoy eating sheep, too. They are pretty crazy expensive though...

Day 18: Soda vs milk. Those of you who know me, know I pretty much don't drink soda. Sometimes I'll get a random craving for one, or I'll get Sprite or ginger ale when I'm sick. Otherwise, I pretty much just drink beer and water, with the occasional coffee. As for milk...I love it on my cereal (and I really, really love cereal), but I don't just drink it anymore.

Day 19: Haha "The initials of my crush". I just laugh because I wouldn't say I have a "crush" (how junior high...). My other half, my best friend, the love of my life...his initials are JGS.

Oh, so other random thing that happened today. Waiting for the bus to go to Christiansburg (I had to go to the next town over to buy a watch...Blacksburg can be such a pain in the ass), a guy randomly walks up to me, hands me a note, explaining he's doing some social experiment, and walks off. Here's what it said:

What the hell am I reading? Who was that brown guy?! Allow me to explain. My name is jacob and this is completely random, but you seem to have a silly and fun personality. Besides, you're cute so I chose to give you one of these obviously not mass produced notes :) as part of a game to see if you might be interested in doing similar social experiments and pranks. i'm not going to lie, but this whole thing is probably pretty strange, but I guess I'm just goofy like that :P. If you are effectively sketched out, throw this sucker away! But if you're even remotely curious about what all this is, holler at (phone number). Either way, make sure you have a great day! -Jacob

Straight up creeper, or just an inventive way for an engineering dweeb to give a girl his number? Cute, but sorry Jacob, not enough to make me pick up the phone and call. At the very least, people like that keep life interesting.

Couldn't See Across The Ocean

I don't really know what to say.

Right now I'm just a mess of raw emotion and confusion...or just a mess.

The emotions are what I'm struggling with the most. I don't know what to feel. I'm angry. I'm angry at myself, for teaching him how to play a sport that can be so dangerous. Even though it's irrational...I could not have possibly guessed anything like this would happen. I'm angry at him, for making a bad judgement call, after he said he would be careful about letting himself recover. This really isn't fair, because I really have no idea what actually happened.

I feel guilty, again about getting him involved in something that carries so much risk. And for being angry. I'm worried, for both of us. Of course, I'm more worried for him, worried about how this will play out, especially worried because I don't even know the whole story, and there's no way for me to know what's going on. I'm worried for myself, because I can't afford to lose focus at the end of my semester...I can't just completely drop my life. And with that thought, more guilt.

I'm scared. I don't know how this will all play out, or how this is going to change the plans we'd made together. How this is going to change our lives. I'm scared he might not come home. I don't even know if that's something I even need to worry about...the not knowing makes it that much scarier. I don't know to what extent I need to be afraid for him.

All these negative emotions have been just rushing around in my head. Slowly though, there's been a glimmer of hope. I got my act together enough to go to Mass tonight. I talked with our campus minister about what I'm going through, and he shared his experience with similar fears of not knowing. My prayers for Jude's safety and recovery are now accompanied by many others: by the prayers of my mother, by the prayers of my minister, by the prayers of our priest, by the prayers of complete strangers who took Jude into their hearts and lifted their hearts to God.

Hasn't Been That Long

My graduate experience thus far has been difficult. Only not in the way I imagined it would be, at all.

Sure, my classes are challenging. I've done a remarkable amount of work this semester, eclipsing much of my undergraduate work--combined (as far as volume, at the very least). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I never feel like my workload is too difficult for me to handle.

My difficulties lie in my feeling of isolation. On a campus of almost 30,000 students, I feel completely alone. My social encounters are limited to classroom discussion, and office small-talk. While these have their place, I'm increasingly starved for real social interaction.

I even have conversations with my fish. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

On top of this, I've been trying to understand what it is I'm doing here. I don't want to be here. I had zero intention of actually going to grad school...Virginia Tech was (and is) my Plan C. Plan A seems to be forever "in process". Plan B almost worked...but I didn't make the cut. I still don't really want to be here though.

My family wants me to be. They love the fact that I'm furthering my education. Expanding my opportunities. Of course, in their eyes, a master's degree inevitably leads to a fulfilling and lucrative career. I know better. There goes one potential motivation for actually caring about being here. Not that I care as much as they do about making money...they value money and the luxuries that come with it far more than I do. Sure, those things can be nice, but it's not my end goal in life.

Now, I'm sitting in a limbo, waiting on the career I really want, though each passing day makes it seem less and less likely that that will ever work out. In the mean time, any other job that has ever really interested me, or that I've enjoyed in the past, is no longer an option. I love doing physical work. I absolutely despise anything that requires me to sit behind a desk for 8 hours a day. Only now I'm "too educated" to go back to unskilled labor (though I still don't actually have any skills...). So I continue to study. Each day resenting my decision a little more to further mire myself in unimaginable debt, with seemingly little prospect of my education later paying off.

Between the crushing loneliness and my very rational fear of being forever trapped behind a desk (or worse, unemployable), graduate school is indeed very difficult.

Food For One Thought

Only halfway through the month, and I've already written more posts than any other month! Though most of them are crap anyways so I shouldn't count them...

Day 14. My siblings.

I technically have three siblings. I have two younger sisters, one a senior at Gonzaga University and the other in middle school in Idaho. I also have a brother, who's about my age, but I haven't seen him since high school and I don't really count him at all.

My oldest sister is a pain in the ass. Most of the time. I swear she was born to be a total snot. At least we get along more often now that we don't have to live together haha. Still love her though. She's crazy smart, even though she's dedicated probably half of her life to acting like she has numerous mental deficiencies. It's always driven me insane, why she acts like she's stupid so often. She definitely isn't (even though I know I've tried to convince her otherwise in the past). I'm usually pretty jealous of her...she's taller and prettier and smarter and more athletic and more social and went to a better school. But my life's still pretty awesome so I'm just happy for her.

My youngest sister, less of a pain in the ass, but I'm not around her all the time. She has big dreams. We'll see what she does with those in the coming years. Her parents and grandparents don't seem responsible (or knowledgeable) enough to guide her in any particularly constructive way...mostly they just care about keeping her happy in the moment, and are probably setting her up for some very unrealistic expectations of how the world works. She sees how my other sister and I have been relatively successful thus far, but I don't think she sees the level of work and dedication it took us to get this far, or everything else that went on behind the scenes with our parents. I only wish the best for her though.

Day 15. Junk food.

This is tough. I'd have to say that my favorite crap food to eat is pizza. I love pizza. Like, in the same way the ninja turtles do. If I could, I'd probably eat it all the time. I'd never get tired of it. Thankfully I have some self control and don't eat it all the time...but when I'm craving something unhealthy, pizza is usually my go-to.

Luckily, I have this weird thing about calling people. Or places. So I never order pizza. Recently, I got up the nerves to use the internet to get my pizza fix, but I also don't want to be judged when they deliver an extra-large pizza to an apartment that's very obviously very empty. I just really like cold pizza breakfasts....

Pizza is also amazing with beer. And I love beer. Unfortunately, usually if I have one I get so excited about it I forget about the other until it's too late. Those occasions I remember to bring them together, however, are heavenly.

Yep. I'm a fatty. Man, I wish I had a pizza now...

The Air Is Getting Much Too Cold

Four months down. Maybe three to go...we still don't know for sure.

Two more weeks will mark one year for us. A year with half of the first eight months spent apart. And a deployment during the last four.

In some ways, it's been a very rough year. I've gone through a lot of changes...first, losing my job, and not knowing what to do. Then getting my shit together to finally take the GRE, and start looking at grad schools. At the same time, finding a new recruiter and taking the Aviation Standard Test Battery. Both very long processes, and a lot of uncertainty along the way. Unemployment didn't help anything. Finally, moving across the country to a state I'd never even visited, to start graduate studies at a university I knew almost nothing about.

The most important change in my life, however, was last October. A completely out-of-character decision led me to a concert, where I met the man who really is my other half. In all the craziness that's gone on in my life since then, he's been there for me, though sometimes more figuratively as his job has called him away. I feel like I could write for days about everything he means to me, but at the same time I don't know any words that could come close to communicating everything I feel. I always have to settle for the old cliches, but they seem to say it best anyways.

In spite of the rough patches, it's definitely been the best year of my life. And once he's home (and home for good!), it will just get better.

I can hardly wait :)

Worth It?

Four days with nothing, and now two posts in one day? What up. This has been on my mind for a couple weeks now...and it's a very real problem.

I need me some rugby.

I miss having a team. That group of girls you may have never met otherwise. As teammates, though, you'll always have each others' backs, and you'll always be part of that greater whole. We understand each other. And we'll always have that connection.

I miss the pain. Not because I'm some masochist or something. Every day you wake up and every muscle in your body screams at you, and you're covered in bruises and scrapes. And still you show up to practice. Every week you bring it in your matches. And you go hard, pushing the limits of your body and your mind. You wear those bruises, those scars with honor. You earned your pain. And you demonstrate, again and again, how you are always strong enough to overcome it in. It's really a matter of pride...but pain and endurance are the means to that end.

I straight up miss the exercise. I've never been a runner. I can't just go for a run. Or go to the gym by myself. I'm used to running, or working out, with a concrete purpose: to be the best athlete I can, to be an asset to my team. If I ran, it was with my team: either running drills, conditioning, or taking off for the next ruck in a game. Running "to be in shape" is too abstract for me...at least too abstract to motivate me off of my ass. And I would never call running fun. When I was running playing rugby, running still wasn't fun, but it was what connected all the parts that were fun: tackling, scrumming, rucking...

Someone who is keenly aware of how much I can't afford to risk injury pointed out last week that going back to rugby would be stupid. If I broke something or finally did tear a rotator cuff or any number of potential injuries, my shot at OCS would be gone for sure. At the same time, without a team, I feel like I'm drifting...and I'm definitely not staying in the kind of shape I need to be in to pass a PRT. Lose-lose.

I made up my mind about a week ago to bring my kit back after winter break and join the women's team here at Tech. I left my boots and mouthguards in Seattle on purpose: I knew I'd be tempted to play. I don't know if I'll actually be able to play next semester or not. My class schedule may interfere with practices. Or I might just not have enough time (which, looking at the classes I'm going to be taking, could very well be the case). At the very least, they might let me practice with them, and I won't play in games. Or I could practice with the boyfriend when he comes back...he's hoping to join the men's team here in Blacksburg. But that, while fun, wouldn't be as fulfilling.

I guess we'll see what January brings. Who knows...the Navy may reject my waivers by then and injuries wouldn't even matter anymore.

I've Been Preoccupied

Yeah, I've been slacking. Not just on this blog, cuz I haven't gotten an awful lot of studying done in the last few days...but I had an awesome weekend to show for it.

One of my old friends had a long weekend and drove up to kick it for a few days. It was awesome. It's been months since I had someone to just hang out with, or talk too much to, or laugh about stupid (awesome) shit with. Went and saw Megamind in 3D too. I liked it :) 3D is fun, and it was a cute movie. I wish my fish was as cool as Minion...haha. Finally saw Scott Pilgrim too! It. Was. Awesome. I think Wallace was my favorite character. Also, I miss being able to just dye my hair awesome colors all the time. Growing up sucks.

Also, lots of great football. Boise State, Ohio State, and Virginia Tech each won their respective games, so that's always awesome. I had my fingers crossed for an upset against any of the top three, and they played some tough games, but still came out on top. Damn. I didn't get to actually watch the Oregon game because it was late and I didn't want to go back downtown and deal with the Saturday night crowd at the bar. I don't think I've watched any NFL games this year...too much work, and I don't care enough. I hope the Patriots win tonight though. It'd be nice...Eagles and Redskins tomorrow!

Anyways. Days 11, 12, and 13? I'll lump 14 in with tomorrow's.

Day 11. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Oh wait, wrong question...what are my favorite bands?

This is always tricky, because my favorite bands are always changing. I have a bad habit of burning myself out on bands that I listen to way too much for a while. The bands I'd call my "favorites" though are generally bands that I eventually end up going back to though, never totally getting tired of them. Right now, and for the last few months, I'd say that Alkaline Trio and Bad Religion are easily my top two. I go back and forth on which one I'm listening to the most, but it's between those two.

Days 12 and 13. My opinions on Harry Potter and Mean Girls. Watch out, this is going to be deep.

Harry Potter: Loved the books, love the movies. I'm sad that I still haven't read the last book, but I won't be able to see the movie in theaters anyways so I have some more time to catch up still. Maybe Christmas?

Mean Girls: If I ever saw it, I don't remember it. And I'm totally okay with that.

I'll Be Back For You Someday

Day 10. My pets.

I have a dog, a cat, and two fish. In four states. My dog, Kip, is currently traveling with my mom. Seriously, that dog has been to more states than some of my friends. He was in Idaho, then headed to Texas and Louisiana. Currently he's kickin' it in Florida. I'm jealous...I'm sure the weather there is much nicer! My cat, Nutmeg, is still home in Boise. My other cat, Patches, passed away just last week. She lived a pretty long life for an outdoor cat...such a sweet girl. I also have a fish, Misha, in the care of my lovely friend Danielle, in Bellingham, and of course my roommate, Fission, here in Blacksburg with me.

Hopefully this spring I'll have Kip here with me, and once we find a lease that doesn't require cats to be declawed, Nutmeg can join us too :)

I'm still pissed about the mandatory declawing here...it's just cruel...

Wasting Our Time

So yesterday in the interest of being a productive student I neglected to write my blog for the day (yes, I wrote one, but it's not part of the challenge...thing...haha). Today, two.

Days 8 & 9. What are my exercise habits, and what is my favorite meme at the moment.

Exercise? What's that?

No really. Since I got to Virginia, I have no one to work out with, I'm not entirely sure where the gym is, and I'm less than motivated to spend what little free time I have working out. I've lost ten pounds since I got here. And not the pounds I wanted to lose...that was all the muscle I worked so hard for over the summer :(

I'm actually considering playing rugby again next semester. My gear's in Seattle or I might have been more tempted this fall. We'll see what my time constraints are though, and what sorts of time conflicts I'll have with practice.

When I told my classmate/career NFO that I was considering rugby (he knows about my Navy dream), he kind of hinted towards it being a stupid idea, to take that much risk. And it is. And that's why I didn't play last year, and didn't want to bring my gear this fall...I knew I'd miss it, I knew I'd be tempted. And if somehow the Navy does decide they want me (for this fiscal year, they only got 85% of their quota for pilots!), I don't want to get hurt and lose my chance. Though, being fat and lazy already eliminates my chance...if my recruiter calls and says hey, you got your waivers, PRT in two days...I'm all sorts of fucked. Don't get me wrong, I'll be absolutely crushed if that's what happens...but for some reason that's not enough to get me to keep up with a workout routine. I am the absolute worst self-motivator in the world. No joke.

Well that was kind of depressing.

As for memes...



Though I do really miss Old Spice Guy...

Just Depends Who You Ask

I should be writing a discussion outline for tomorrow, not blogging. But I wanted to share this.

"That’s how sex is presented to boys - it’s not intimacy; it’s not the loving, egalitarian [part] that we get something out of, it’s something we do to the other. We raise women to survive in a rape culture, because we raise women to know these things. We do nothing to talk to men about not raping. But we do talk to women about how to protect themselves, which is further why we place the blame on women when something happens. ‘Well didn’t you know not to do that? Didn’t you know not to wear that dress? Or didn’t you know not to walk down that street at that hour of the night?’"
—
feminist Don McPherson, on rape culture and educating boys to not rape

(snagged from my dear Meghan).

Keeps Us Both Alive

Day 7. So technically I'm supposed to be writing about Tumblr. From Tumblr. But I'm not. So...I guess how did I start blogging?

This is actually my second blog. Which I'm actually sure most of you that bother to read this know. I first started blogging when I left to study in St Petersburg, Russia. It was kind of an experiment, to see how it would go. I was kind of meh about it...forgot to post a lot (plus internet was expensive/harder to come by), and then I'd end up writing crazy long entries. I lasted like two months. So yay for me sticking it out on this one! So far. Haha. You can read my old blog here.

When I was getting ready to come out here, I decided to start writing again. Part of my decision was also affected by the fact that my [awesome] boyfriend was heading overseas for some time, and this would give me a chance to collect my thoughts and kind of record what was going on in my life. On top of the five billion emails I send him every day (seriously). I moved to Blogger from LiveJournal because I know a few other people on here, so it's easier for me to follow them. I miss a few things about LJ, like the little icons you can put up on posts (I had some sweet ones from Russia), and the little mood cat haha. Blogger's worked fine for me so far though.

I'm actually not sure what'd kept me writing on here. Part of it may be how isolated I feel, thousands of miles from all of my family and friends (not that this is necessarily written to/for them). I don't really have any outlet over here, so I turn to my blog. Sometimes I vent, sometimes I purge my emo, sometimes I ramble on about random crap like this.

I do like writing, though. It helps me kind of collect my thoughts, and seeing them written keeps them more organized. Writing here clears my head to focus more on my academic writing as well. Speaking of which...I've still got a bunch of writing to do tonight! Eck.

So yeah. I do recommend anyone who hasn't blogged before, just try it out. You may think "oh well my life's pretty boring...no one would want to read it...I wouldn't know what to write..." Fun little writing challenges like this can help that though, kind of getting your brain in gear. I think of mine like kind of like a diary. Censored, because anyone can read it, but it can be useful in a lot of the same ways. Or you can have a blog that's more of an in-depth twitter, or even beer reviews (aka a legitimation of certain drinking habits haha). You can do whatever you want, and that's kind of the beauty of it.

Anyways, I should actually go be productive for a while.

Calendar Always Pinned On Summertime

Day 6. Seasons! Just in time for Blacksburg's sudden decision to pay attention to the calendar...

I pretty much only like one season: summer. I love the sun. I love the heat (though in Seattle I'm just happy when I'm not always freezing). I love swimming, boating, and grilling with friends. I love flip flops and dresses. I love driving with the windows down. I love the sounds of crickets outside my window at night.

In Boise, I loved our summer storms. After the heat of the day, we'd get fantastic electrical storms. As the sun set, the sky would fill with angry purple clouds, the sun's last rays blazing just above the horizon. After dark, bolts of lightning would fly from cloud to cloud over the horizon. Sometimes there would be wind and sudden rain. But it was hot rain, and never lasted long, unlike Seattle's frigid drizzle.

In Bellingham, I loved trips to Lakewood. Jumping into the lake, grilling with friends, cigars on the dock...watching Colin get shitfaced with his orange juice carton. Boulevard was beautiful in the summer, perfect for sunbathing, walking the boardwalk, or throwing a rugby ball around. Nights on the patio at the Up were always amazing, provided the temperature stayed above 60F.

I haven't experienced a full summer in Blacksburg yet, since I moved here in the middle of August. I loved the heat and the humidity. It was like always being wrapped up in a blanket. Plus the sun was always out...have I mentioned how much I love the sun? Brilliant blue skies with the occasional fluffy white cloud over a valley green with the spring's new growth finally maturing. And the crickets. When I first arrived in the New River Valley, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of tiny insect voices that drowned out all other noises in the night. They were soothing to listen to each night as I fell asleep with the window open.

The rest of the year? I hate being cold. I hate clouds, I hate rain. The leaves in the fall are pretty, but I'd be perfectly happy keeping the summer heat and doing without the bright colors that mean winter is near.

It's supposed to snow tonight. I'm wearing far too many clothes for being inside, even with the heat on. Can it be summer again already?

Maybe I'm Wrong

I love football. Mostly.

It's not a sport I can just...watch. Unless I have some interest in a particular match-up, you can more than count me out. Football itself is pretty boring. Run around or hit people. Then stand there a while. Run around or hit people. Then stand there a while.

Rugby spoiled me. All action, all the time. You've got to call plays on the go, players switch from offense to defense and back again...you can't sit and think or predict what could happen. Game-play doesn't stop. And these problems with "hard hitting" in football now? It's because there's little to no technique, compared to rugby. When you don't have layers of foam and plastic protecting your body, you can't just throw your weight around willy-nilly. Well, you can, but you'll probably have a short career, because you (or worse...another player!) will get hurt, and it won't be pretty. That's not to say rugby players don't hit hard. We do. We just hit far more efficiently. Why hurl my body at someone when I can use their own momentum against them by wrapping their legs?

Also, scoring a try is way more exciting than a touchdown. With a try, getting the ball into the "endzone" (we call it a try zone) is just the first half of the battle. An opposing player can still keep you from touching the ball down (you'd think we would have touchdowns, and football...something else). Plus, the extra point kick? We don't just let you set up right in front of the uprights. If the other team let a try through, they still may have redeemed themselves by making it really difficult for the scoring player...if the try is scored off to the far left of the try zone? The extra point attempt must be made from that side of the field as well.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching football. Under certain conditions. If one of my teams is playing, I'm all in. If I'm watching with friends? Hell yeah. Especially friends who make bomb nachos (<3 you Kenny!). In-person? Always fun. But parking in front of the TV to watch game after game? Not so much. I have better things to do.

On a completely unrelated note. The world would be a colder place without ramen. It's about one of my favorite foods. It cooks fast, it's delicious, and you can put other things in it. Every bowl of ramen can be different! Though usually I'm too lazy to do that....when I make ramen it's usually because I'm too lazy to cook real food.

Or because I'm freezing. After two hours at home wearing way too many layers of clothes and huddled under piles of blankets, I was still cold from the football game tonight (we won, bt-dub :D). There's pretty much no possible way for me to dress warm enough to just stand around in the cold...warm clothes are only useful if your body actually produces heat. If I'm not moving around? I pretty much don't. All the insulation in the world couldn't have kept me warm tonight. Ramen, on the other hand, did.

Rugby, football, ramen...God I love college :D

Two Hours Of Shut-Eye

Day 5. My three favorite colors.

Well, my favorite color is blue. I like most blues, really, except pastels. I hate pastel anything. But my absolute most favorite color is a particular shade of blue. My old car, my iPod, my favorite nail polish...I even painted my whole room that color my junior year of college. I'm definitely a fan.

As for another two colors? I'd have to say lime green and orange. I'd pick these for two reasons:

1. I really, really like bright colors. In general. Even pink. The brighter the better.
2. Both lime green and orange pair phenomenally with my favorite shade of blue.

Yes. I am girly enough to base my second and third favorite colors on how well they go with my favorite color.

You should see me play The Sims.

Into The Black Sea

Grad school is weird.

Since I got here, I've felt like I'm in way over my head. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed that I think there is no way I can do this. I wonder whose application they were really looking at when they decided to accept me. I feel out of my league.

At other times, grad school seems like a cake walk. My work didn't get any more difficult between undergrad and grad level courses. I run into all the same problems I did at Western with my schoolwork, and have all the same strengths. I'm actually completely convinced that if I'd turned in any of the papers I've written so far this semester to any of my undergrad professors, I would not be getting As. B-, maybe? I don't feel like I'm delivering at a level "worthy" of graduate work.

Then again, I look at my work load. I've read more books so far this semester than I did in my entire four years at Western. And I still have quite a few books left, plus a lot of research for two big papers coming up. I don't know how I went from barely getting my shit together for my poli sci classes at Western to getting my shit together here at Tech (though sometimes, still barely), especially after a full year of...nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that I'm doing so well. I'm just always afraid that either I am that much of an underachiever, or that my program here is that mediocre. It doesn't seem like it...except for my grades. I hardly feel like I deserve to be in grad school, let alone having solid As across the board (with the notable exception of my Russian class, which is incidentally an undergrad course...I think I'm hovering around an A- there).

Maybe I'm just over-thinking it. A lot will change next semester, with harder professors, more classes (four grad, one undergrad), and starting to put more thought into shaping my major paper. So far, I'm looking to examine nuclear energy in Russia, and likely the program in Iran as well, as it relates to national security. This semester, I've begun working with nuclear energy...a few weeks ago, I did a presentation on US nuclear energy policy. In the next month I'll be working my research for that project into a final paper. At the same time, I will be working on a research essay regarding the theory of security. I need to do a little more research to pin it down a bit more, but I'm hoping that will give me a foundation which I can build my major research paper upon.

This all sounds so...advanced. Again, I feel out of my league.

Bright Ideas

Day 4. My closest friends.

For sure my partners in crime and fellow Vikings, Danielle, Anna, Megan, Josh, and Kenny. All for their own reasons, but they do all have one thing in common: they've been amazing friends over the last few years. I'm not easy to get along with (or put up with); you guys are champs. Bellingham would have been a completely different city without these guys at my side. Most of my greatest memories of the 'Ham, from rugby to scary movie marathons to 80s night (and subsequent trips to Haggen or the Shoe...cheesy fries!) to damn good Sunday football nachos, could never have happened without them. Plus most of my greatest gaps in memory...I assume they were good times too ;)

Love you guys :)

On Your Television

Day 3. Look at me go! Okay, so my favorite television program...

I'm sure some of you know two things about me and television.

1. I don't own a TV. Even when I've had access to a TV, I don't really watch it.
2. M*A*S*H is the greatest show ever created.

And this is where people start thinking, "M*A*S*H? How boring."

Well you know what? Your mom is boring.

In all seriousness, M*A*S*H is an amazing show. It was legitimately funny. Not the shit that passes for humor too often these days. There were still plenty of childish pranks, but mostly made use of its witty characters to make its audience laugh. At the same time, there was substance to the show. It focused on the Korean War, a very serious subject. It showed how people learn to deal the horrors of war, the stresses of deployment, and frustrations with the military. The characters were very human. It was their humanity that really drew me to the show. Not everyone could have a happy ending, and the situations the characters dealt with obviously wore on them, but they learned to survive and to keep each other going, day after day, episode after episode.

If you haven't really watched it before (or only saw it when you were too young to grasp the show's more cerebral content), I highly recommend checking it out. There's a reason it's still incredibly popular ;)

Always On Display

Day 2. Since I wrote about tattoos last week, I guess I'll go into piercings?

I love piercings. I didn't always...well, I at least always liked the idea of them. I was terrified of needles though. I remember almost passing out just getting my ears pierced when I was like 13.

I got my first piercings when I was like 2 or 3 or something. Ears, of course. To date, I've had...24 piercings? I think that's right. I'm down to 14, but I usually only have jewelry in some of them. The ear piercings I have left may never close.

So how did I go from being terrified of needles to being poked that many times? I'm one of those people that tends to confront their fears. Plus I always thought piercings were pretty freaking cool. Still do, but my future employers, whoever they may be, are very, very unlikely to think so as well. By the time I finished high school, I had five regular ear piercings, a nose ring (a hoop even, not some stupid stud), an industrial barbell, and a navel ring. Freshman year of college, I got my tongue pierced, and two helix piercings in one ear (for a spiral). That spring I took out my nose ring, and the next fall I lost one of the helix piercings playing rugby. Rugby then kept me from getting pierced again for years.

Just before I finished college, I got three more piercings, including a septum ring, which is one of my favorite piercings to date. That summer, I got four dermals--two on my sternum, and one in front of each ear. One dermal from my sternum was torn out at Warped tour (I didn't notice until much later, and eventually had it replaced). I also got a conch piercing in one ear, and repierced the lost helix. That winter, I got my tongue web pierced, though I took it out a few weeks later...the barbell I had originally had come out, and the hoop I replaced with with kept catching on my tongue ring. I would love to get it redone and see if I can keep a bar in it.

Another fun thing about piercings? Gauging. I love gauging mine. The lower two piercings in each of my ears have been stretched up a few times (then I'd take them out, and have to gauge them again later...). I also gauged my tongue ring up quite a bit, but stopped because the jewelry that's any bigger than what I have has weird threading and I don't want to deal with that.

Piercings are great because they're so dynamic. You can pretty much pierce anything. And today there's so many options for jewelry. Plus, piercings aren't permanent. Yes, you'll likely have a scar after you take your jewelry out, but unless it's in the middle of your face it's usually not very noticeable (and even then, it's usually small). There's certainly drawbacks to piercings as well: they can be more work to maintain, during and after healing, you have to consider how easily jewelry will catch on things, what employers (or parents) will think, etc.

Piercings are like puppies...they're a ton of fun, and can look pretty cool, but you can't forget that they're a responsibility too.

But No, It's Not A Burden

Day 1 of the Thirty Day Сhallenge: My middle name.

Well, actually I have two. I'm just extra special. Obviously.

My first middle name is Grace. If you know me, you'll understand how remarkably ironic it is. If you looked up "grace" in the dictionary, you will not see my picture. Definitely about the clumsiest person I know haha. What were my parents thinking? It looks pretty awesome in Cyrillic though: Грэйс. Hell yeah.

My second middle name is Sundstrom. It's my mother's maiden name. Thank God I didn't end up with a hyphenated last name...it'd be sixteen letters long. No thanks. Plus hyphenated names just look ridiculous...indecisive much? Also cool in Cyrillic. Maybe just because Cyrillic makes everything more awesome: Сундстром.

Having two middle names is kind of cool. Just because most people only have one. Or none. It's way less cool when forms want you to put your middle initial. Most won't accept two middle initials. DISCRIMINATION. So even though my legal name has two middle initials, I have paperwork everywhere that has just the G. At least my driver's license has both.

Another cool thing about two middle names? Literally nothing comes up when I google my full name. Yea-yuh. Though maybe that's kind of sad because I've never accomplished anything important enough for the internet...but whatevs. I'm just that underground.

Be jealous :p