27 September 2010

Drive Yourself Insane Tonight


I've been asked a few times about how I can listen to punk music, and still be pursuing a career in the military or in some form of federal bureaucracy.

A lot of the music I listen to takes issue with "the system", and how society mutilates the individual into a grotesque reproduction of the system itself. These artists want to break out of the established boundaries and actually live as individuals. I think this is awesome. I've spent a lot of time studying how society uses conformity to keep itself alive. You can see how it works anywhere you look. Even those who try and break out and become "individuals" in the end are re-absorbed into the machine.

My favorite example of this re-absorption? Punk music.

Anything that fights the established norms is a threat to the "oneness" of society. There's two ways that society can remedy this: force the individual to conform, or actually reincorporate them by actually using rebellion against the rebel. Society turns whatever individuality is being expressed into the next "fad", thus bringing the fringe back in. It kind of makes me think of when you take silly putty and squish it on a newspaper, and it picks up the letters, but then you can smash it back together and all those letters fade into the mass and are gone. The ink's still in there, somewhere, but now it's part of the whole.

The same has happened to punk. A movement that got off on telling society to go fuck itself is now pretty mainstream. Plenty of people (myself included) lament the "pop punk" phenomenon. But that's how the system works. The same thing happened with rap. A subculture that went directly against societal norms was pulled into the system, reincorporating those who had stepped outside by redefining norms. The side effect? The qualities of the subculture that helped it survive outside society are distorted or lost.

Still, people spend years (and sometimes their entire lives) trying to fight this. They don't like the loss of control. Others go their entire lives completely oblivious of how profoundly their life is shaped by powers outside them.

I've found that the most practical course for me has been to mostly go along with the system. There really is no point in fighting it. That doesn't mean I have to be a perfect model of societal norms, however, and I think a lot of people miss this. I'm not an individual. I shop at major retailers and listen to music that's been selected by corporate goons for our listening pleasure. I own an iPod and a Blackberry because society told me that I need those items. And I do.

I don't, however, accept every single thing society tries to shove down my throat. I do try and exercise a certain level of awareness. Rebellion for the sake of rebellion is about as stupid as blind conformity. And I try to subscribe to neither.

I'll continue to listen to my punk rock as I complete my culturally approved pursuit of education. One day I'll listen to it in my shiny new car on my way to and from my awesome forty-hour-a-week desk job as a cog in the bureaucratic machinery that keeps our country (mostly) functioning. And the whole time I'll be painfully aware of it all.

And people wonder why political scientists are cynical.

25 September 2010

Join The Club

I love collaboration. It's why I love seminar classes and group projects. Being involved with other people and being introduced to new perspectives and growing from the experience is about the greatest thing ever.

Until you get stuck with that one student. You know who I'm talking about.

There's always the one student who cannot or will not work within a group. Either they just don't care enough to pull their weight (which, at the grad level, I would be truly surprised to see), or they just don't care enough to actually collaborate, instead going off and doing their own thing, leaving the group hoping that everyone else will be able to accommodate them later. It drives me completely up the wall when people are so self-absorbed that even in a situation like a group project in school, where it really can't be any more obvious how other people's fates are tied to your own, that they still blow shit off. This bothers me about people in general on every level though.

Typically, when stuck with these people in groups, I can take charge and figure out a way to make things work.

Right now though, the situation's a bit different.

This time, the student isn't intending to not "be part of the group". Language and cultural barriers stand between us and him. And I have no idea what to do about it.

22 September 2010

One Of These Days...

I'm just going to test out this mobile-blogging thing, since I neglected to bring my laptop to campus.

My experience with the Navy so far has been a complete roller-coaster. In a nutshell, it's been like this:


  • Finally get in contact with and meet an officer recruiter in Seattle. Yay!
  • One of my profs is dragging his feet on my letter of recommendation. Boo.
  • Did well on my ASTB and my package is ready to submit. Yay!
  • February boards are canceled, so now the anxiety of waiting will be dragged out until March. Boo.
  • GOT PROFESSIONALLY RECOMMENDED PILOT, FLIGHT OFFICER, AND SURFACE WARFARE! YAY!
  • ....wait three months for MEPS. Boo.
  • Make it through MEPS with a few disqualifications, but the doctor seemed sure I'd get waivers. Yay!
  • Boyfriend "deploys"; same day recruiter tells me I can't join the Navy. BOO.
  • In touch with a new (competent) recruiter in VA, and two positive evals. Yay!


Waiting on getting the evals to my recruiter and hoping he gets them submitted quickly so I can be re-instated in my billet now. And holy shit do I have a lot of work to do for my PRT.....we'll see where this goes. I'm pretty tired of banging my head against a wall on this...I just want in!

Reminding You To Breathe

The hardest things about distance aren't always what you'd think.

It's hard to wake up every day alone, or come home to an empty apartment that really isn't quite home. Remembering your favorite smile with that one photograph. Never completely sure when the next e-mail or phone call will come...though when they do, it's just about the greatest thing ever. All of this, though, you can learn to handle, and just keep looking forward.

The worst is when one of the most important people in your life needs you. Only he's thousands of miles away.

When you can't be his sounding board, or hold him and remind him that things will get better. And they will.

It's about the worst kind of helplessness.

19 September 2010

I Bore Myself Too

I'm terrible at making friends. Really.

Particularly when I meet people through classes. I don't think I have a single friend that I met through class (one, kind of, but we had about a billion common friends so I don't count him in that number). Living in the same dorm, rugby, roommates, friends of friends, bars...pretty much sums up how I meet people. Here? I have classes. No roommates, no dorm, no rugby. Bars, sure, but I only go to the bar for football, so usually everyone's hammered and it's daytime. Not an ideal situation to meet people.

I love Virginia. Blacksburg, while small and isolated, is a pretty nice place to live. And I love Tech. But I hate that everyone I care about is several thousand miles away, and my social inadequacies are making me feel more and more isolated. Of course, less socialization means more time to study...but it doesn't end up working out that way. I've got to have downtime somehow, it just usually translates to Facebook or reading web-comics (sad, I know).

It doesn't help that my step-mom harasses me every time we talk, making me feel bad about the fact that I haven't made friends yet. This isn't the first time...for years I got shit for not having any female friends. All it really does is make me feel worse about not being able to meet people.

Actually I shouldn't say it like that...I'm great at meeting people. It's just getting past that first part, to where you can be social out of the initial context, that I can never seem to make happen. I talk to people in my classes...but only in my classes. I've met and talked to some of my neighbors...but only in the stairwell. I've never been able to get to that "hey we should hang out some time" stage.

What is wrong with me?

16 September 2010

My Giving Tree

Okay, so this video has been all over my news-feed (and stuck in my head!) all week, so I've gotta share it.


If you haven't spent much time in Bellingham, you probably won't get it...but for all of us Hamsters, it's a pretty amazing depiction of life up north.

And yeah I'm sure I'll catch shit for it...but this video really made me miss Bellingham, and all of my college adventures. In spite of the rain and the clouds and the hippies, I miss Bellingham and all the amazing people I met there...good times!

11 September 2010

You'd Have Loved Every Note

September 11 means a lot of different things for different people. For me, it evokes two memories.

In 2001, I was only in the 9th grade. I remember sitting in my classroom before school started (I always got there hella early...yeah, I was that kid). There were only a couple of us, and our teacher wasn't there yet. It was my Advanced English/History class. I hated that class...but that's beside the point. Another one of our classmates walked in and said that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. I don't think most of my classmates even knew what that was. My mom had worked there just a couple years prior, so I had at least heard of it.

I remember watching United Flight 175 when it hit the second tower. Everyone was still in shock from the first plane, and certainly couldn't have expected it would happen twice. As students filed into the classroom, everyone became completely transfixed by the events unfolding on the TV in the corner. Everyone in the building watched as the towers fell.

No one knew what to think.

That day completely transformed the nation we live in. Today's children have grown up in a police state, and only know war. As they get older, they'll only know the hatred and misery that became so rampant after that day. Even most of what I know is the post-9/11 world.

Today holds another significance for me. Four years ago, a tragic accident cut short the life of a friend of mine. She was an amazing young woman; she had a gift for languages, an infectious smile, and room in her heart for everyone. Today would have been her 27th birthday.

Along with many of my fellow Americans, today will be a day of reflection and prayer for me. And studying, because that is never-ending...

I also want to express my appreciation for all those serving in our armed forces. We would not be where we are today without their hard work, dedication and sacrifice. And a big thank you as well to all of the military families, who also must make great sacrifices. It's the strength of all of these people that make it possible for everyone else to continue living their lives. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

10 September 2010

God Bless Catastrophe

Retard in Florida called off his Quran-burning! Thank God...I don't know how it seemed like a good idea to him...and I definitely need someone to be coming home to me in one piece next winter. And I'm not the only one. Plus...really? I never understand how some people have so little respect for their fellow human beings.

Anyways.

I finally have direction in my studies! Mostly. I talked with my department head today and we threw around some ideas for my major paper. I haven't gotten into enough research yet (obviously) to know how viable certain aspects are, but here's some of the approaches I'm hoping to take:

First off, the overarching goal of my paper will be to recommend a course of action as far as utilization of nuclear energy globally, particularly with regards to our own national security. This includes not only how we will deal with plants currently in operation, both here and abroad, but whether to expand our use of nuclear power (or whether other countries could), and how this would be achieved in the safest, most efficient way possible.

Other themes I'm intending to touch upon include the theoretical basis for the concept of "national security" in the first place...because what do we really mean when we refer to security? I also want to examine nuclear energy in Russia in particular, and compare and contrast it with nuclear programs in the US. Again, security becomes a major issue when looking at Russian nuclear technologies.

Some of these may be dead ends, or too broad...or whatever. I'll figure that out more as I go along. In the meantime, I've shaped two projects I have this term around my major paper: one, a group project examining the debate behind nuclear energy policy in the US, and two, a theoretical examination of our concept of "national security".

Even more fun? I just so happen to be dating a nuclear cyborg (no, really) who just so happens to know an awful lot about nuclear reactors. So he's all excited for me to start asking questions haha. I'm excited we'll have yet another thing (kind of) in common to talk about :) That and the fact that I'm still managing to work Russia into the whole thing. In case you don't know, I kind of have a thing for Russia.

Anyways, I've got to finish my awesome "Intro to Nuclear Energy" reading so I can actually understand the rest of this...and then sleeeeep.

07 September 2010

Just Need A Goodbye Kiss

There's so many things in life where practice makes perfect. I've found that saying goodbye is not one of them.

I've had to say goodbye now three times in as many months. Even though it's just for a few months, it's always hard. It definitely didn't help that today was a long-distance goodbye...a quick phone call, and then he was gone.

In the meantime, I've at least got plenty of things to keep me busy. My schoolwork is about to really ramp up, as I get ready to hit the major projects for this term. I still can't believe how much work I'm doing already! Last week literally flew by, I was so busy. Hopefully the next six months will do the same. I'm so crazy busy it's hard to even schedule time to do laundry, clean my apartment, or even buy groceries!

Plus I have next March to look forward to...when my favorite distraction comes home :) And by home, I mean home home. He'll be joining me here in Virginia after getting things in order up in Seattle...no more Navy to take him away. It'll be a new, exciting chapter for both of us. One that I know I can't wait to start writing.


05 September 2010

Never Ends

Oh man, two in one day?

I just had a thought I had to share.

Ever been reading something in a particular writing style for a long time, and then you're tired, and notice that you're actually thinking the same way that the author had written? Like if you've read too much Gogol. Or Dr. Suess.

It's kind of like watching movies where everyone has British accents and then you have to try reaaallyyyy hard to not want to bust out your best British impersonation. Only it's a book, so it makes you that much dorkier.

Maybe it's cuz I'm just tired. Or extra special. But I'm definitely thinking in the way that English translators imagine Russians spoke in the 19th century.

On that note, my brain needs rest...

04 September 2010

I Feel A Miracle

Just a quick entry (hopefully). A lot of excitement this last week, actually :)

So I'm working with a new recruiter. He's suggested a few things I need to do on my end, and while I'm working on that, he's actively working on digging some stuff up to see what he can do to help me. So that's awesome :D

I'm actually doing better with my insane reading load than I expected. I'm still wasting tons and tons of time, but I'm slowly getting back into decent study habits. Once a certain distraction is gone (not that I want him to be!) I'll probably have an easier time putting my nose to the grindstone. By the end of the semester I should be pretty set.

I met with the prof for my US Power and Policy class and my partner for the required project yesterday to discuss our topic. We had initially wanted to look into nuclear non-proliferation policy in the US, but weren't able to find much unclassified material in our preliminary research. After meeting and discussing a few options, we're going to pursue nuclear energy instead--first, taking an historic approach to the use of nuclear power as an energy source in the US, and then examining the power politics that have kept us from expanding our current use of nuclear power plants. Our professor also suggested we look into the PickensPlan. It's essentially a billionaire's pet project to pursue alternatives to oil. Not so much because of the environmental costs of petroleum use, but to get us out of our cycle of petroleum dependency. More of an issue of national security (and autonomy!) than "saving the whales". Or fish. Or what-have-you. She suggested pursuing an interview with him.

The best part? She set the bar reeeaaaallyyyyy high for me. She creeped on my admissions documents and said she was very impressed with my record. And that she has a lot of faith in my abilities to produce something remarkable with this project, ie., a publishable paper. How amazing would that be!? Published, after my first term of grad school! My partner is super excited for me, since from day one he's been trying to help me shape this project so that it will benefit me in the pursuit of my masters degree (he already has one, he's just taking the class for fun). Now I just have to deliver! Which means I've gotta get through all this other reading so I can really dive into the research.

I love research. I live for research projects. So much more fun than all these assigned readings...but they do at least give me a framework to build my conclusions upon once the researching is over.

Well, that was a nice break. Back to the books!